He won't be able to catch up if we move too quickly.
[Even Dimitri sounds like he knows he's deluding himself. Dedue had already been in an awful state, for a tunnel to collapse on him... even if he shielded his head and his armor took most of the damage, the chances he'd make it out are abysmal — nonexistent really. Only the goddess herself could save him, and she's not going to suddenly start answering prayers now.
But he still can't leave. He just can't. Dimitri curls into a tight ball, as if making himself smaller will keep Felix from seeing him and trying to get him to move.]
Then it clicks and he has to keep himself from clutching his chest, biting down on his lower lip instead as it starts to quiver.
In some ways, Felix is glad that Dimitri's back is turned to him. At least now, he can't see Felix obviously blinking back tears as he lets out a shuddering breath.]
[There's a desperation in his tone, a plea for Felix to not push the matter. To let him pretend, even if just for a little while longer. Until he's healed as much as he can from the supplies Felix brought, perhaps — or should they conserve those supplies in case Dedue does make it out? Dedue is certainly more deserving of them, though Dimitri doesn't doubt that he would insist on prioritizing Dimitri.]
[Felix hears that plea, and as much as he wants to heed it, he can't. Not when it falls to him to get them through this and fulfill the promise he made.
To Dedue, and to himself.
He takes a seat on the bed, gaze downcast as he watches Dimitri's back.]
...We do.
[Felix's hand curls into the sheets, taking a moment to gather himself for this hard truth he usually won't have a hard time speaking.]
[The explosives, the way Dedue nodded and handed Dimitri off — it tracks, but the thought of Dedue purposefully dying for his sake is so unbearable that Dimitri simply can't accept it. To die shielding him as Glenn did, so that he could escape...
No.
Slowly, Dimitri sits up, fixing Felix with a hateful glare.]
[Felix's eyes follow Dimitri as he sits up--a decision he regrets when Dimitri fixes that look on him. A first in terms of it directed towards him, a pang of hurt and fear rippling through his chest.
Felix shakes his head, tearing his gaze away, unable to take a second more of it.]
I'm... not. He's... you saw what happened, Dimitri...
[He can't say any more than that. It's too much to spell it out, far too much.]
No. No, that's impossible, isn't it? Dedue would never — could never — he knows how Dimitri feels about having someone sacrifice themselves for him. There's a flicker of hurt and betrayal at the thought of it, and even the briefest brush with that pain leaves him reeling. So Dimitri immediately reaches for the shield that's been protecting him these last six months:
Hate.]
Silence. What would you know? Dedue would never choose to leave my side.
[To some extent, Felix had started bracing himself for the worst since Dimitri's denial, but no amount of preparation could have readied him for the next thing to come out of Dimitri's mouth.
It stuns him into silence, far more winding than a physical blow from Dimitri could ever be. What can he say to that? It's true, after all. Dedue has always been by Dimitri's side, never leaving it even after seeing the ugly parts of it. Accepting what Felix took the better part of a decade to embrace, never once doubting where he stands...
...Oh. Something wet drips onto the back of his palm, and two fingers to his cheek tells him everything he needs to know about what it is, as well as what's slowly raining upon the sheets then.]
There's... a lot I don't know.
[He speaks despite Dimitri's command, and never minding how choked his words come off, he continues, thinking it better to get everything out before his weary heart just gives out at the stress of trying to keep it together.]
But... I know. That Dedue... will do anything to keep you safe.
[Even if it means this kind of separation. Felix's tears show no signs of stopping, but one sob later, he manages to lift his gaze, hoping to meet Dimitri's.]
I'm... I can never be as good as him. But please... let me keep my promise to him.
[Dimitri's snarl warps his face, fury and fear and grief pulling at his heart until he feels it might just tear in two. It only darkens as Felix continues, the vicious mask of a wounded beast. He finds himself scooting away until his back is pressed up against the wall, Felix's tears yanking his emotions in yet another painful direction. Growling, he shoves Felix away, desperate to not have to listen to what he has to say. What sort of promise would it even be? To protect Dimitri? For Felix to truly become his shield?
"It is what he was born for."]
I never asked for that! [he snaps, fierce gaze turned on some point beyond Felix.]
[While tumbling off the bed and landing square on his back thanks to that shove hurts like hell, Dimitri's words continue to sting more than the way he physically lashes out.
Nothing seems to be broken, only bruised as Felix pulls his legs towards himself and sits on them. Felix isn't sure how much of either he could take given how painfully hollow his heart feels now, but again, someone between the two of them has to keep themselves together in this situation.
And, as he keeps telling himself while clutching the ring under his shirt, it's not going to be Dimitri. Not when this is all ultimately Felix's doing in some way, and Dimitri has every right to be feeling this way. So Felix wipes his tears away, swallowing before he speaks again.]
Then... what?
[It still comes off a little more raw than it should, but at least he's no longer saying it between sobs.]
[The voices quiet for a moment, as if waiting for his answer. Dimitri takes a deep breath, managing to calm himself enough to answer without barking at him.]
Of course not. I shall be his blade — their blade.
[Slowly, his face relaxes back into something resembling human. Dimitri continues to look at his ghosts, wishing he could properly ask them for guidance. But he can't expect them to be coherent. They're the ones being tortured in the afterlife, all he can do is fulfill their wishes so that they can all be put to rest... and him along with them.]
Ahh, Dedue... was that truly your plan? I should never have put you in that situation to begin with.
[What other options did Dedue have? Dimitri and whatever loyalists he can scrape together are the only real hope to hold Edelgard and her demons accountable for their crimes. He doesn't even have it in him to be mad at Dedue for making the choice he did.
Dedue just watches him, sorrowful but gentle despite what he must be going through.]
[Felix had only seen Dimitri communicate with his ghosts once, bringing to mind the moment of his greatest regret. While the calm that settles over Dimitri is welcome, the circumstances surrounding them terrify Felix more than the manner in which he lashed out at him like a wild animal.
It's in light of this fear that Felix takes a deep breath and climbs back on the bed, focusing on Dimitri's vulnerability rather than the way the emotion threatens to crush his heart or the pain stinging his back at the moment.
He presses his forehead against Dimitri's shoulder, breathing in his scent.]
I'm here.
[For as long as he could manage it. He reaches for Dimitri's hand, squeezing, hoping that the contact roots him to the present rather than wherever his ghosts wish to whisk him off to.]
[Where words don't get through, touch does. Dimitri initially flinches away, but Felix's warmth and obvious lack of aggression draws him back to the moment, at least a little bit. He takes a shuddering breath, turning his face toward Felix's hair.]
...I can't give up on him yet, [he finally says, voice soft.]
I just can't. If... nothing has changed after we have used up the medicine, I will go with you.
[It's a relief that their proximity seems to draw Dimitri back into the moment, a balm for the ache in his heart. It makes Felix realize how tired he is, and it's only the morning...]
...Okay. [Felix exhales, entwining his fingers with Dimitri's.] We can stay for another few days.
[Against Felix's better judgment, he relents, never mind how likely Cornelia will be tightening security around the capital. But if it's Dimitri's "fate" to live through this, then perhaps they would be able to weather what's to come without any major issues.]
[Relieved that he won't have to fight to be allowed to hold a vigil, Dimitri's anger and energy seem to leave him with his sigh. He pulls Felix into his lap and holds onto him as if he's a stuffed animal.]
You seem so small, now.
[But that, too, is relieving. If he curls around Felix like this, it feels like he can shield him from the rest of the world.]
[It's such a huge contrast from how Dimitri has been, but Felix is more than glad to take it, letting his arms drape loosely around Dimitri's waist as he makes himself comfortable in his lap.
Dimitri is right, though. While Dimitri's always been the broader of the two of them, right now it feels like there's so much space...]
...I still have room to grow.
[Is Felix's half-hearted quip as he rests his cheek against Dimitri's chest, knowing full well this probably is the best it's going to get for him.]
[A quiet rush of air is the closest he can manage to a laugh right now, but he does it all the same. Dimitri shifts to pull the blankets around them, one hand lifting to tangle his fingers in Felix's hair.
...which there is a lot less of than he expects. The strands slip away from him, prompting a questioning hum.]
You cut your hair?
[He's been so out of it that he didn't really notice until just now...]
[Yet, at the same time, he was glad that Felix wasn't there, that he wasn't risking his life to attempt to free a man that was already broken. Dimitri's hold tightens.]
...she told me a few times that you had come for me. Sylvain and Ingrid, too. That you were all tucked away in cells of your own, that she would break you as well...
[Even now, his stomach rebels at the thought of it. Or perhaps it's just hunger making it growl, but he really doesn't think he could keep anything down. Shuddering, he takes another deep breath, trying to put the memory of Cornelia's taunts out of his mind.]
[Felix shudders, holding on tight as if it would keep his mind from wandering towards certain unpleasant thoughts. The sting that comes with Dimitri's embrace helps in a way, the pain rooting him to this less than ideal present. But it's all Felix has, and would readily seize over the alternative.]
...Do you want to lie down for a while longer?
[It doesn't really seem like any of them are hungry enough for breakfast anyway...]
[Felix sighs and moves to lie down next to Dimitri, facing him as he tucks away some loose strands from Dimitri's face, lingering a little longer than he should before he lets his arm fall to the side.]
[Suddenly exhausted all over again, Dimitri just nods and makes himself comfortable, letting himself drift in and out of sleep.
The days that follow aren't much better. He'll at least eat properly on the second day, his rapidly healing body demanding fuel. But if he isn't eating or having his wounds tended to, Dimitri just sleeps for the most part, unwilling to face reality. It's not as if he doesn't need the rest, anyway — doing nothing other than sleep and eat results in him making a recovery that's just short of miraculous. Alas, he doesn't regain full use of that eye... but he doesn't lose it entirely, either, and he retains the ability to see motion and light if not much more than that.
It's early in the evening, and they used up the last of the medicine just that morning. Leaving while it's light out isn't at all a smart course of action, but as the sun starts to sink down, Dimitri grows tense. He knows what Felix is going to ask of him, and though he still doesn't feel ready, he no longer has a good excuse to refuse, either.]
[After that disastrous morning with Dimitri, Felix just lets him be. Being this servile isn't exactly becoming of him, but when he lacks the willpower to face Dimitri's stubborness head-on like he usually would, it's the lesser of several evils.
He at least, discovers several things in the course of their unplanned, extended stay. One, is that simply being in contact with Dimitri has a way of taming that beast that threatens to go wild. It's not the same as their touches half a year ago, but it's more than anything Felix could ever ask for--a small bit of balm for his aching heart as he and Dimitri trudge on through these empty days.
Another is that Dimitri's right eye still works to an extent--a physical evidence of a change that Felix managed to affect. A cause for joy any other time, but when it serves as an explanation for this strange wave of nausea that comes and goes, Felix can't help but feel slightly bitter, wondering if this is going to be his life moving forward.
Still, the inevitable comes, and after managing to swallow down that rush of sickness that comes with the setting sun, Felix turns to glance at their now empty box of medicine before letting his gaze settle on Dimitri.]
[Much as he wishes otherwise, Dimitri is aware that Dedue won't be coming back and that they need to leave — and yet he resents Felix for saying it in that moment. The reality that waits outside that door is grim. Instead of merely having to repair the kingdom as he initially planned, at this point, Dimitri will need to rebuild it entirely. It's a long, arduous road, one that he very well might lose Felix on too if he travels down it. If he thought for even a moment that Felix would agree to it, he would beg him to just run away with him. But he wouldn't, and Dedue's solemn gaze and the cries of his family would drive him mad if he tried to escape his duty, anyway.
If they haven't already.]
I know, [he snaps, sounding more like a growling animal than a man. Dimitri grits his teeth and starts to go about putting on his traveling gear, his gaze fixed on the floor.]
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cynicfelixity) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
amewsbox2020-01-09 12:53 pm
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[Even Dimitri sounds like he knows he's deluding himself. Dedue had already been in an awful state, for a tunnel to collapse on him... even if he shielded his head and his armor took most of the damage, the chances he'd make it out are abysmal — nonexistent really. Only the goddess herself could save him, and she's not going to suddenly start answering prayers now.
But he still can't leave. He just can't. Dimitri curls into a tight ball, as if making himself smaller will keep Felix from seeing him and trying to get him to move.]
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Then it clicks and he has to keep himself from clutching his chest, biting down on his lower lip instead as it starts to quiver.
In some ways, Felix is glad that Dimitri's back is turned to him. At least now, he can't see Felix obviously blinking back tears as he lets out a shuddering breath.]
He's... not catching up with us.
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[There's a desperation in his tone, a plea for Felix to not push the matter. To let him pretend, even if just for a little while longer. Until he's healed as much as he can from the supplies Felix brought, perhaps — or should they conserve those supplies in case Dedue does make it out? Dedue is certainly more deserving of them, though Dimitri doesn't doubt that he would insist on prioritizing Dimitri.]
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To Dedue, and to himself.
He takes a seat on the bed, gaze downcast as he watches Dimitri's back.]
...We do.
[Felix's hand curls into the sheets, taking a moment to gather himself for this hard truth he usually won't have a hard time speaking.]
Dedue... has never planned on coming with us.
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No.
Slowly, Dimitri sits up, fixing Felix with a hateful glare.]
Do not lie to me, Felix.
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Felix shakes his head, tearing his gaze away, unable to take a second more of it.]
I'm... not. He's... you saw what happened, Dimitri...
[He can't say any more than that. It's too much to spell it out, far too much.]
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No. No, that's impossible, isn't it? Dedue would never — could never — he knows how Dimitri feels about having someone sacrifice themselves for him. There's a flicker of hurt and betrayal at the thought of it, and even the briefest brush with that pain leaves him reeling. So Dimitri immediately reaches for the shield that's been protecting him these last six months:
Hate.]
Silence. What would you know? Dedue would never choose to leave my side.
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It stuns him into silence, far more winding than a physical blow from Dimitri could ever be. What can he say to that? It's true, after all. Dedue has always been by Dimitri's side, never leaving it even after seeing the ugly parts of it. Accepting what Felix took the better part of a decade to embrace, never once doubting where he stands...
...Oh. Something wet drips onto the back of his palm, and two fingers to his cheek tells him everything he needs to know about what it is, as well as what's slowly raining upon the sheets then.]
There's... a lot I don't know.
[He speaks despite Dimitri's command, and never minding how choked his words come off, he continues, thinking it better to get everything out before his weary heart just gives out at the stress of trying to keep it together.]
But... I know. That Dedue... will do anything to keep you safe.
[Even if it means this kind of separation. Felix's tears show no signs of stopping, but one sob later, he manages to lift his gaze, hoping to meet Dimitri's.]
I'm... I can never be as good as him. But please... let me keep my promise to him.
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"It is what he was born for."]
I never asked for that! [he snaps, fierce gaze turned on some point beyond Felix.]
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Nothing seems to be broken, only bruised as Felix pulls his legs towards himself and sits on them. Felix isn't sure how much of either he could take given how painfully hollow his heart feels now, but again, someone between the two of them has to keep themselves together in this situation.
And, as he keeps telling himself while clutching the ring under his shirt, it's not going to be Dimitri. Not when this is all ultimately Felix's doing in some way, and Dimitri has every right to be feeling this way. So Felix wipes his tears away, swallowing before he speaks again.]
Then... what?
[It still comes off a little more raw than it should, but at least he's no longer saying it between sobs.]
Would you rather his sacrifice be all for naught?
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Of course not. I shall be his blade — their blade.
[Slowly, his face relaxes back into something resembling human. Dimitri continues to look at his ghosts, wishing he could properly ask them for guidance. But he can't expect them to be coherent. They're the ones being tortured in the afterlife, all he can do is fulfill their wishes so that they can all be put to rest... and him along with them.]
Ahh, Dedue... was that truly your plan? I should never have put you in that situation to begin with.
[What other options did Dedue have? Dimitri and whatever loyalists he can scrape together are the only real hope to hold Edelgard and her demons accountable for their crimes. He doesn't even have it in him to be mad at Dedue for making the choice he did.
Dedue just watches him, sorrowful but gentle despite what he must be going through.]
Forgive me...
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It's in light of this fear that Felix takes a deep breath and climbs back on the bed, focusing on Dimitri's vulnerability rather than the way the emotion threatens to crush his heart or the pain stinging his back at the moment.
He presses his forehead against Dimitri's shoulder, breathing in his scent.]
I'm here.
[For as long as he could manage it. He reaches for Dimitri's hand, squeezing, hoping that the contact roots him to the present rather than wherever his ghosts wish to whisk him off to.]
Please... don't forget that.
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...I can't give up on him yet, [he finally says, voice soft.]
I just can't. If... nothing has changed after we have used up the medicine, I will go with you.
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...Okay. [Felix exhales, entwining his fingers with Dimitri's.] We can stay for another few days.
[Against Felix's better judgment, he relents, never mind how likely Cornelia will be tightening security around the capital. But if it's Dimitri's "fate" to live through this, then perhaps they would be able to weather what's to come without any major issues.]
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You seem so small, now.
[But that, too, is relieving. If he curls around Felix like this, it feels like he can shield him from the rest of the world.]
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Dimitri is right, though. While Dimitri's always been the broader of the two of them, right now it feels like there's so much space...]
...I still have room to grow.
[Is Felix's half-hearted quip as he rests his cheek against Dimitri's chest, knowing full well this probably is the best it's going to get for him.]
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...which there is a lot less of than he expects. The strands slip away from him, prompting a questioning hum.]
You cut your hair?
[He's been so out of it that he didn't really notice until just now...]
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Mmm.
[Felix swallows, blinking back the accompanying sting in his eyes.]
It just... wasn't the same without you.
[Even with his knowledge of a potential future, it didn't make waiting out those six months any easier, to say the least of it.]
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[Yet, at the same time, he was glad that Felix wasn't there, that he wasn't risking his life to attempt to free a man that was already broken. Dimitri's hold tightens.]
...she told me a few times that you had come for me. Sylvain and Ingrid, too. That you were all tucked away in cells of your own, that she would break you as well...
[Even now, his stomach rebels at the thought of it. Or perhaps it's just hunger making it growl, but he really doesn't think he could keep anything down. Shuddering, he takes another deep breath, trying to put the memory of Cornelia's taunts out of his mind.]
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...Do you want to lie down for a while longer?
[It doesn't really seem like any of them are hungry enough for breakfast anyway...]
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[Yet despite saying that, Dimitri lingers for a few moments, clutching Felix like he's his only tether to reality.
And he is.
Eventually, though, he shifts away and lies on his side, watching Felix quietly as he waits for him to lie down as well.]
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I'll stay here. For as long as you need.
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The days that follow aren't much better. He'll at least eat properly on the second day, his rapidly healing body demanding fuel. But if he isn't eating or having his wounds tended to, Dimitri just sleeps for the most part, unwilling to face reality. It's not as if he doesn't need the rest, anyway — doing nothing other than sleep and eat results in him making a recovery that's just short of miraculous. Alas, he doesn't regain full use of that eye... but he doesn't lose it entirely, either, and he retains the ability to see motion and light if not much more than that.
It's early in the evening, and they used up the last of the medicine just that morning. Leaving while it's light out isn't at all a smart course of action, but as the sun starts to sink down, Dimitri grows tense. He knows what Felix is going to ask of him, and though he still doesn't feel ready, he no longer has a good excuse to refuse, either.]
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He at least, discovers several things in the course of their unplanned, extended stay. One, is that simply being in contact with Dimitri has a way of taming that beast that threatens to go wild. It's not the same as their touches half a year ago, but it's more than anything Felix could ever ask for--a small bit of balm for his aching heart as he and Dimitri trudge on through these empty days.
Another is that Dimitri's right eye still works to an extent--a physical evidence of a change that Felix managed to affect. A cause for joy any other time, but when it serves as an explanation for this strange wave of nausea that comes and goes, Felix can't help but feel slightly bitter, wondering if this is going to be his life moving forward.
Still, the inevitable comes, and after managing to swallow down that rush of sickness that comes with the setting sun, Felix turns to glance at their now empty box of medicine before letting his gaze settle on Dimitri.]
Dimitri... it's time.
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If they haven't already.]
I know, [he snaps, sounding more like a growling animal than a man. Dimitri grits his teeth and starts to go about putting on his traveling gear, his gaze fixed on the floor.]
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