[Is Felix's defiant declaration as he turns back to his drawstring pajamas, pulling them over his legs before he marches over to where the tea is, trying not to notice how... blue Dimitri's eyes are as he takes a sip off it while standing up.
It's just not any kind of blue--it's one that reminds him of the spring sky when everything starts to thaw around Fhirdiad, and they could finally start playing outside again...]
[Wait, this is for more than one night? Dimitri just gapes for a moment, but once it sinks it he's just...
He doesn't even know, but he's happy, at any rate. He's not cold, but he'll pull the blanket over himself anyway so that he can tug it up to his nose, concealing most of his pink cheeks. Goddess, but it's embarrassing to be this happy over a sleepover, like he's a little kid or something!]
I imagine your back would start hurting before too long. These floors are not forgiving.
[With the tea having chilled a good bit, Felix manages to down two thirds of it, staring into what remains.]
We've camped out with worse conditions.
[Compared to the forest floor and some jagged terrain they had the pleasure of traversing, the dormitory stone is practically comfortable, to say the least of it.]
[Goddess willing, he'll never have to. Sleeping is already a nightmare, and he doesn't really sleep much when they have to camp. Dimitri lowers his blanket shield, one hand creeping outward to curl his fingers on the edge of the mattress instead.]
[True, but even this Felix isn't about to admit that. Finishing the rest of his cup, he sets it back on the table before retreating to his bedroll.]
Whatever. Good night.
[Pulling his blanket over himself, he curls to the side, his back to Dimitri as he effects some semblance of sleep on the floor. Given that he's gone through a lot more campaigns than Dimitri had at this point in time, it's not exactly a complex feat to deal with, in any case.]
Good night, Felix, [he says softly, sitting up again to blow out the candles.
He can't sleep, of course. His gaze is drawn by the silhouette of Felix's sleeping form. He still sleeps exactly the same way, curled over with his fists drawn in toward his chest, like a little baby. It's strange to see him this vulnerable again after so long. Just what was it that changed? He truly thought that Felix had come to hate him — it was easy to believe because of how much he hates himself. But if he did, then he wouldn't be here like this, wouldn't have checked on him after he got hurt, wouldn't have cried...
Has Felix been the same as him all this time, too angry at the injustice of it all to be able to feel much of anything else? It's something he'll spend the rest of the night thinking about.]
[Felix manages to sleep just fine, even if his rest happens to be light variety. But nothing ever warrants him to wake up from it, and the next night is more of the same, despite Dimitri looking on with undisguised concern as he lays on the floor tucked inside his bedroll.
The last night, however, comes with some unconscious troubles in the form of his dreams, with this particular one having him toss and turn in bed it usually does. Brows furrowed, he clutches at his sheets, grip white-knuckled as his breath hitches in his throat, dwelling in an image so clear in his mind.]
[The second night, Dimitri actually manages to sleep. It's comforting to have Felix there, even if it is a little embarrassing to be comforted by such a childish thing. It doesn't stop him from worrying a bit, though, and on that last night, he sees that he was right to worry: Felix is twisting around on his bedroll, his breathing not at all the soft, steady rhythm of a person soundly asleep. It's the disruption in his breathing that has Dimitri stirring, having been using it like white noise to block out more unpleasant things. He leans over the bed, peering down at Felix, taking in all the telltale signs of a nightmare.
Should he wake him? Will Felix be angry if he does? This peace between them feels so fragile, and fear of breaking it paralyzes him, leaving him gazing sorrowfully at Felix, helpless.]
[In Felix's dream, he's chasing after Dimitri's back, the aforementioned unhearing of his demands for an answer. Felix keeps calling out, but step by step, Dimitri draws further and further away, until he fades away into the distance, with Felix blindly reaching out for someone who is no longer there.
In the said dream, Felix calls for him to come back, but the words never make it out of Felix, sleeping on the floor of Dimitri's room. Instead, a choked noise wrenches itself out of Felix's throat, a whimper to go with the tears that unconsciously trickle down his cheeks, along with a word that does make it out of his mouth:]
[Even if it causes friction between them, he can't leave Felix like that. Dimitri slips out of bed, kneeling beside his bedroll as he reaches out to clasp onto his hand. An enemy doesn't try to hold someone's hand, after all — any other touch might meet with an unpleasant reaction.]
It sounds equally distant and close, but it's the warm hand clasping his that jolts him awake, wide eyes meeting Dimitri's concerned blue.
A moment later, Felix lowers his forehead to Dimitri's hand, both an effort to root himself in this reality and to hide his embarrassingly tear-streaked face. How much had he said out loud? And did Dimitri hear and see everything...?
...It probably is the case. Sighing, he blinks some of those tears away before speaking.]
...I know.
[It comes off as a coarse whisper, with Felix squeezing his eyes shut as a swell of emotion threatens to spill forth. He confines it to the way his hand quakes underneath Dimitri's, swallowing the fresh wave of regret he feels at the dream that seems like it just happened yesterday.]
[As children, it always hurt to see Felix cry. Even then, even when Felix cried frequently, it was heart-wrenching. Now, it feels as if it simply tears his heart right out of his chest entirely, leaving it raw on the chilled floor.
Dimitri doesn't quite make out what Felix says in response. Either "I know" or simply "no", two unfortunately different reactions. But the way Felix's hand trembles makes him think it might have been the latter. Even if it wasn't, Dimitri can't bear the thought of failing to reach out if Felix needs him. It's a mistake he only made the once, too caught up in his own pain and trauma to realize what he was doing. He's not going to do it again, not even if Felix pushes him away a hundred times.]
I'm sorry...
[For everything. For losing himself, for making Felix see it, for still being that beast he fears. Beast or not, it doesn't stop him from gently trying to guide Felix's face to his shoulder instead of his hand, not saying a word about his tears.]
[How deplorable he must be if this young Dimitri has turned to comforting him, as if he were the elder in this scenario and not Felix. But this Dimitri doesn't know, doesn't he? That this Felix isn't quite his Felix anymore, or what kind of future waits for him should he continue to tread a certain path...
But at the same time, Felix is here, isn't he? And it seems that his own actions have their own unpredictable consequences as well, going by his situation. Like staying in Dimitri's room, sleeping on his stone cold floor like it's the most natural thing in the world.
Unthinkable for the Felix of the past, but all the Felix of the present wants is to stay close to Dimitri, a sentiment that surprises even the said Felix, up to and including the way he takes up that offer to lean against Dimitri's shoulder, soaking his sleeve wet with his tears that continue to flow and shaking his head all the while.
Felix is the one who is supposed to be sorry, not Dimitri. Yet the words would not come, and all Felix has is that action to hopefully convey his sentiments.]
[Felix allows Dimitri to pull him in, and after Felix's head has been properly resting on his shoulder for a few moments, Dimitri carefully enfolds him in a gentle embrace. One hand comes to rest between his shoulder blades, the other cradles his head. Though his hands are much larger than they were back when they were children, the warmth is the same, as is the manner in which he starts stroking Felix's back.]
I didn't mean to scare you.
[Not when he withdraw after Duscur, not back when they quelled the rebellion, and not just a few days ago when he stupidly got himself hurt during battle.]
[Swallowing the bitterness that comes with Dimitri's apology, Felix simply buries his head in that embrace, trying to choke out words before some syllables finally make it out of him.]
It's... not that...
[The nostalgia of it all, coupled with his relief at finally being able to say something has Felix crying some more. His frustration at his inability to properly communicate still lingers, but it's far too overshadowed by his desire to cling to this familiar warmth, to this very much alive Dimitri that feels like a dream that may slip away any moment.]
Dimitri doesn't ask. Whatever it is, it upsets Felix all the more when he tries to say it, and though he desperately wants to help him with it, he doesn't want to cause him further distress. It's like when they were children, in a way — Felix crying too much to properly explain just what upset him, so Dimitri would just hold him until he felt better...]
...we do not have to discuss it now. Would you... come and lie down with me?
[Asking if Felix wants to even do such a thing would be better, but he knows him well enough to know he would refuse with that phrasing. If it's for Dimitri's sake, then perhaps his pride will allow him to do it.]
[Felix knows, damn well knows what those words are code for. For Dimitri to care enough to choose them so carefully has Felix gritting his teeth, wondering what possessed him to take all of these acts of kindness for-granted. Dimitri is a fool for caring so much for an idiot like him, but honestly, so is Felix for letting everything pass him by.
And Felix, foolish as he is, nods into Dimitri's shirt, wanting to keep this reality close, away from the nightmares that would dare to wrench it away from him.]
[The answer is not entirely a surprise, but he's still stupidly happy to hear it. How pathetic, being glad Felix is upset enough to need to seek comfort in him again like this...
Yet he is, all the same. Dimitri draws back just a little, taking hold of Felix's hands. Mindful of his own wounds, he won't pull Felix to his feet, but he will gently tug him up toward his bed, encouraging him to climb up with him. He'll keep that hold as he lies down on his side facing Felix, smiling the same gentle smile he used to wear in those days before Duscur.]
[And Felix allows himself to be led, climbing onto the small bed like it's the most natural thing in the world. It feels like the hands of time turned themselves back one more time, back to an era when Felix could laugh and cry easier, approach life and aspects of it with an ardent passion that had went up in smoke once the tragedy struck.
Those aspects include Dimitri, and the way he smiles as if those past four years have not taken their toll on him. Or stolen away what remained of the innocence and magnificence that Felix chased and revered after. The sight brings forth a renewed wave of tears when Felix sights it once more, covering his face as valiantly attempts to stifle his sobs.]
[Felix cries, and Dimitri just wraps his arms around him, pulling the blankets in as he does so to form a little cocoon. It's easy to fall back on old habits, stroking his hair and gently rubbing between his shoulder blades. He even starts to murmur nonsense about his day, a tactic that usually served as a good distraction to get Felix's mind off whatever nightmare haunted him. Dimitri speaks in a soft voice about his homework, about a cat he saw stealing from the dining hall, the suspiciously crunchy sweets Flayn baked for him.]
[It's ridiculous how easily he falls back into his old habits. So damn easy that it's embarrassing how he clings to Dimitri's shirt like he's five again, how he's burying his face into Dimitri's warmth like he just woke up from some petty nightmare, how he almost barks out a laugh amidst his sobs when Dimitri starts telling him about Flayn's cooking.
Dimitri, Dimitri, Dimitri. It seems Felix is doomed to have this single person close in mind and in proximity for a while, and he finds himself too weak-willed to push away either, his heart far too weary from his guilt-ridden battles both physically and mentally.
Eventually, his sobs give away to a tiredness he hasn't known since Duscur. His breaths slow down as sleeps starts to settle over him once more, mercifully taking him back into its embrace as his consciousness gives out on him, worn out from battles fought and yet to be fought.]
[Dimitri can feel the moment when Felix finally relaxes in his arms. He smiles fondly to himself, hoping that the sleep that's claimed him will be a peaceful one this time. That smile fades slightly when he realizes again how happy he is, and some of the warmth inside him burns and twists into guilty self-loathing.
It'll be all right. He'll be sure to look out for Felix too from now on, to not let his own pain blind him. Dimitri attempts to soothe himself by making that silent vow, and it does dull the ache enough for him to start feeling tired himself. He peeks back at Felix for a moment, brushing away some of the hair that hangs loose in his face, taking in his expression as he slumbers, his heartrate inexplicably climbing. When the urge to kiss Felix's slightly parted lips becomes overwhelming, Dimitri can't ignore it any longer:
He's in love with Felix. He probably always has been.
Dimitri squeezes his eyes shut tightly, trying to banish the realization. He lowers his face, the tip of his nose coming into contact with the crown of Felix's head. Even now, even with the other feelings that stir inside him, he finds his scent soothing. Familiar. Safe. Soon enough, exhaustion pulls Dimitri into sleep as well, sparing him from having to think about it further.
By the time Dimitri wakes, it's late enough that he should already be exiting the dining hall after breakfast. But lying here with Felix just feels so good, tranquil in a way he hasn't experienced in a long, long time. He lets himself come back into consciousness slowly, nuzzling in closer for another few minutes to just drink in the moment. Before too long, though, he can't completely shut out his awareness of the hour, and he draws back enough to catch sight of Felix's face again. Affection swells in his chest, and without thinking about it, he leans over to press a gentle kiss to his forehead.
His brain will catch up with what he did in a second or two.]
[After literally crying himself to sleep, Felix sleeps like a rock, the rest of his sleep mercifully dreamless. Enveloped in a familiar warmth and soothing embrace, it's only natural for his rest to be smooth as it usually is when surrounded by such elements. So comfortable is the phenomenon that Felix does not bother opening his eyes when the realm of wakefulness starts creep up on him, wanting to indulge some more.
Still, he reacts to the (still familiar) kiss on his forehead, wrinkling his nose as his mind starts to catch up with some unpleasant sensations. From the dried, crusty streaks of what seems to be tears and snot on his face to the sheer rawness of his throat and heaviness of his puffy eyes, he feels heavy when his lashes flutter open, blearily eyeing the curve of Dimitri's lips--
Wait, what, Dimitri?!
Awareness is a sharp blade, piercing through his senses as he backs away on reflex. While Felix has enough sense not to push Dimitri in light of his injuries, the same sense does not extend to the way he nearly falls off the tiny bed, only saved by virtue of planting his hands on the floor, rescuing himself from cracking his head open and meeting an unfortunate end in Dimitri's bedroom.
He'll take a moment to gather his wits about him, in any case.]
[So shocked is Dimitri upon realizing he just kissed Felix (even on the forehead!) that Felix easily escapes him, tumbling off the bed with wide eyes. Dimitri quickly sits up and scoots to the edge of the mattress to make sure he's all right.]
Felix! You... did not hurt yourself, did you?
[He'll apologize for his indiscretion after confirming he's okay...!]
[Halfway through falling off anyway and considering the alternative of pressing back against Dimitri, Felix settles for carefully dragging the rest of his body down to the floor, his legs folded to the side as he takes a couple of lungfuls of air to settle his nerves.
And settle they do, mostly in time for Dimitri's concerned words and for Felix to furrow his brows at a certain offending man.]
The hell was that for?!
[He's talking about the forehead kiss, of course. Never mind how embarrassing it is to have Dimitri comforting him to sleep and how that glare of his is undermined by how flushed his cheeks are and how disastrous he looks for sure...]
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amewsbox2020-01-09 12:53 pm
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[Is Felix's defiant declaration as he turns back to his drawstring pajamas, pulling them over his legs before he marches over to where the tea is, trying not to notice how... blue Dimitri's eyes are as he takes a sip off it while standing up.
It's just not any kind of blue--it's one that reminds him of the spring sky when everything starts to thaw around Fhirdiad, and they could finally start playing outside again...]
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He doesn't even know, but he's happy, at any rate. He's not cold, but he'll pull the blanket over himself anyway so that he can tug it up to his nose, concealing most of his pink cheeks. Goddess, but it's embarrassing to be this happy over a sleepover, like he's a little kid or something!]
I imagine your back would start hurting before too long. These floors are not forgiving.
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We've camped out with worse conditions.
[Compared to the forest floor and some jagged terrain they had the pleasure of traversing, the dormitory stone is practically comfortable, to say the least of it.]
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[Goddess willing, he'll never have to. Sleeping is already a nightmare, and he doesn't really sleep much when they have to camp. Dimitri lowers his blanket shield, one hand creeping outward to curl his fingers on the edge of the mattress instead.]
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Whatever. Good night.
[Pulling his blanket over himself, he curls to the side, his back to Dimitri as he effects some semblance of sleep on the floor. Given that he's gone through a lot more campaigns than Dimitri had at this point in time, it's not exactly a complex feat to deal with, in any case.]
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He can't sleep, of course. His gaze is drawn by the silhouette of Felix's sleeping form. He still sleeps exactly the same way, curled over with his fists drawn in toward his chest, like a little baby. It's strange to see him this vulnerable again after so long. Just what was it that changed? He truly thought that Felix had come to hate him — it was easy to believe because of how much he hates himself. But if he did, then he wouldn't be here like this, wouldn't have checked on him after he got hurt, wouldn't have cried...
Has Felix been the same as him all this time, too angry at the injustice of it all to be able to feel much of anything else? It's something he'll spend the rest of the night thinking about.]
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The last night, however, comes with some unconscious troubles in the form of his dreams, with this particular one having him toss and turn in bed it usually does. Brows furrowed, he clutches at his sheets, grip white-knuckled as his breath hitches in his throat, dwelling in an image so clear in his mind.]
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Should he wake him? Will Felix be angry if he does? This peace between them feels so fragile, and fear of breaking it paralyzes him, leaving him gazing sorrowfully at Felix, helpless.]
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In the said dream, Felix calls for him to come back, but the words never make it out of Felix, sleeping on the floor of Dimitri's room. Instead, a choked noise wrenches itself out of Felix's throat, a whimper to go with the tears that unconsciously trickle down his cheeks, along with a word that does make it out of his mouth:]
Dimitri...
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I'm here.
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It sounds equally distant and close, but it's the warm hand clasping his that jolts him awake, wide eyes meeting Dimitri's concerned blue.
A moment later, Felix lowers his forehead to Dimitri's hand, both an effort to root himself in this reality and to hide his embarrassingly tear-streaked face. How much had he said out loud? And did Dimitri hear and see everything...?
...It probably is the case. Sighing, he blinks some of those tears away before speaking.]
...I know.
[It comes off as a coarse whisper, with Felix squeezing his eyes shut as a swell of emotion threatens to spill forth. He confines it to the way his hand quakes underneath Dimitri's, swallowing the fresh wave of regret he feels at the dream that seems like it just happened yesterday.]
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Dimitri doesn't quite make out what Felix says in response. Either "I know" or simply "no", two unfortunately different reactions. But the way Felix's hand trembles makes him think it might have been the latter. Even if it wasn't, Dimitri can't bear the thought of failing to reach out if Felix needs him. It's a mistake he only made the once, too caught up in his own pain and trauma to realize what he was doing. He's not going to do it again, not even if Felix pushes him away a hundred times.]
I'm sorry...
[For everything. For losing himself, for making Felix see it, for still being that beast he fears. Beast or not, it doesn't stop him from gently trying to guide Felix's face to his shoulder instead of his hand, not saying a word about his tears.]
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But at the same time, Felix is here, isn't he? And it seems that his own actions have their own unpredictable consequences as well, going by his situation. Like staying in Dimitri's room, sleeping on his stone cold floor like it's the most natural thing in the world.
Unthinkable for the Felix of the past, but all the Felix of the present wants is to stay close to Dimitri, a sentiment that surprises even the said Felix, up to and including the way he takes up that offer to lean against Dimitri's shoulder, soaking his sleeve wet with his tears that continue to flow and shaking his head all the while.
Felix is the one who is supposed to be sorry, not Dimitri. Yet the words would not come, and all Felix has is that action to hopefully convey his sentiments.]
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I didn't mean to scare you.
[Not when he withdraw after Duscur, not back when they quelled the rebellion, and not just a few days ago when he stupidly got himself hurt during battle.]
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It's... not that...
[The nostalgia of it all, coupled with his relief at finally being able to say something has Felix crying some more. His frustration at his inability to properly communicate still lingers, but it's far too overshadowed by his desire to cling to this familiar warmth, to this very much alive Dimitri that feels like a dream that may slip away any moment.]
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Dimitri doesn't ask. Whatever it is, it upsets Felix all the more when he tries to say it, and though he desperately wants to help him with it, he doesn't want to cause him further distress. It's like when they were children, in a way — Felix crying too much to properly explain just what upset him, so Dimitri would just hold him until he felt better...]
...we do not have to discuss it now. Would you... come and lie down with me?
[Asking if Felix wants to even do such a thing would be better, but he knows him well enough to know he would refuse with that phrasing. If it's for Dimitri's sake, then perhaps his pride will allow him to do it.]
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And Felix, foolish as he is, nods into Dimitri's shirt, wanting to keep this reality close, away from the nightmares that would dare to wrench it away from him.]
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Yet he is, all the same. Dimitri draws back just a little, taking hold of Felix's hands. Mindful of his own wounds, he won't pull Felix to his feet, but he will gently tug him up toward his bed, encouraging him to climb up with him. He'll keep that hold as he lies down on his side facing Felix, smiling the same gentle smile he used to wear in those days before Duscur.]
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Those aspects include Dimitri, and the way he smiles as if those past four years have not taken their toll on him. Or stolen away what remained of the innocence and magnificence that Felix chased and revered after. The sight brings forth a renewed wave of tears when Felix sights it once more, covering his face as valiantly attempts to stifle his sobs.]
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Dimitri, Dimitri, Dimitri. It seems Felix is doomed to have this single person close in mind and in proximity for a while, and he finds himself too weak-willed to push away either, his heart far too weary from his guilt-ridden battles both physically and mentally.
Eventually, his sobs give away to a tiredness he hasn't known since Duscur. His breaths slow down as sleeps starts to settle over him once more, mercifully taking him back into its embrace as his consciousness gives out on him, worn out from battles fought and yet to be fought.]
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It'll be all right. He'll be sure to look out for Felix too from now on, to not let his own pain blind him. Dimitri attempts to soothe himself by making that silent vow, and it does dull the ache enough for him to start feeling tired himself. He peeks back at Felix for a moment, brushing away some of the hair that hangs loose in his face, taking in his expression as he slumbers, his heartrate inexplicably climbing. When the urge to kiss Felix's slightly parted lips becomes overwhelming, Dimitri can't ignore it any longer:
He's in love with Felix. He probably always has been.
Dimitri squeezes his eyes shut tightly, trying to banish the realization. He lowers his face, the tip of his nose coming into contact with the crown of Felix's head. Even now, even with the other feelings that stir inside him, he finds his scent soothing. Familiar. Safe. Soon enough, exhaustion pulls Dimitri into sleep as well, sparing him from having to think about it further.
By the time Dimitri wakes, it's late enough that he should already be exiting the dining hall after breakfast. But lying here with Felix just feels so good, tranquil in a way he hasn't experienced in a long, long time. He lets himself come back into consciousness slowly, nuzzling in closer for another few minutes to just drink in the moment. Before too long, though, he can't completely shut out his awareness of the hour, and he draws back enough to catch sight of Felix's face again. Affection swells in his chest, and without thinking about it, he leans over to press a gentle kiss to his forehead.
His brain will catch up with what he did in a second or two.]
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Still, he reacts to the (still familiar) kiss on his forehead, wrinkling his nose as his mind starts to catch up with some unpleasant sensations. From the dried, crusty streaks of what seems to be tears and snot on his face to the sheer rawness of his throat and heaviness of his puffy eyes, he feels heavy when his lashes flutter open, blearily eyeing the curve of Dimitri's lips--
Wait, what, Dimitri?!
Awareness is a sharp blade, piercing through his senses as he backs away on reflex. While Felix has enough sense not to push Dimitri in light of his injuries, the same sense does not extend to the way he nearly falls off the tiny bed, only saved by virtue of planting his hands on the floor, rescuing himself from cracking his head open and meeting an unfortunate end in Dimitri's bedroom.
He'll take a moment to gather his wits about him, in any case.]
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Felix! You... did not hurt yourself, did you?
[He'll apologize for his indiscretion after confirming he's okay...!]
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And settle they do, mostly in time for Dimitri's concerned words and for Felix to furrow his brows at a certain offending man.]
The hell was that for?!
[He's talking about the forehead kiss, of course. Never mind how embarrassing it is to have Dimitri comforting him to sleep and how that glare of his is undermined by how flushed his cheeks are and how disastrous he looks for sure...]
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