[Would he? Even after he gives in to everything his ghosts ask for? A part of Felix wants to ask, but it's also the same part of him too afraid to know the answer, especially given what he's seen of Dimitri back in Myrddin.
Would his answer be the same? Would it change? Both are terrifying prospects to behold, not that his crying fit allows him to say or ask them anyway. Still, with Dimitri's comforting touch and presence, his sobs eventually slow to hiccups, and his tears dry for the most part as they usually do when he lets Dimitri's steady heartbeat be his guide.
...Except it really isn't steady at this point, an observation that causes Felix's heavy heart to skip a beat. The blasted thing. There really isn't any other way to interpret how Dimitri is taking to their proximity, is there?]
I... don't deserve this...
[Is all Felix manages listlessly, still curling against Dimitri despite the wrongness of it all, regret still heavy in his chest.]
[Dimitri can tell that Felix is trying to curl up against him, but it doesn't work that well with him on his stomach. He shifts to lie down on his back, wiggling his arm under Felix's pillow with Felix nestled up at his side. It's definitely a position that feels like something a couple would do...]
What is it you do not deserve, exactly? My friendship? That is not a matter of "deserving". Whether you want it or not, it is yours.
[But ah, that sure is a feeling Dimitri intimately understands. How strange, for Felix to voice a thought like that.]
[Everything, but Felix falls silent as he settles into this more comfortable position. Intimate as it is, he does not have the heart to put a stop to it, simply resting by Dimitri's shoulder as he splays his fingers across his muscled torso.
Dimitri is alive. Wonderfully so. This is the reality he wanted, yet it feels so wrong to indulge in this. Like stealing away into his father's storeroom of prized weaponry to marvel at the heirlooms he could only dream of wielding when he was young, this moment is painted with a childish effervescence streaked by shame, the fact drying upon his still tear-streaked face as he takes a while to calm his breathing.]
Why...
[Comes the start of a raw question, punctuated by a short hiccup that doesn't stop the rest of it coming:]
You could have extended it to someone else. Why insist on giving it to me?
[Felix's hand is practically right over his heart, and he knows that he'll be able to feel the way it rapidly flutters in his chest. Dimitri swallows hard, placing his free hand atop Felix's like that will somehow distract him from it.]
...I tried to not care, you know. It seemed like it would be so much easier, like you would be happier if you changed classes and we never had to speak outside of matters related to the kingdom again. But I couldn't do it. It was... the same for you, was it not? You saw what I have become, so you tried to not care.
[But he does anyway. They both do, whether they like it or not.]
[It's proving to be quite the distraction indeed, drawing more attention to their closeness, the intimacy of having Dimitri's heat pressing against his hand from either side...
Despite his sorrow, Felix colors anyway as he blinks back the remnants of tears, swallowing before he responds and curls his fingers slightly inwards.]
It's impossible.
[Can Dimitri feel how fast his heart is beating too? Does he know how Felix is trying his best not to look up, afraid of what he might do should he meet Dimitri's gaze? Given his physical state anyway, there really isn't much he could do to resist the temptation to remain close, so here he is, excusing all of these indulgences as if it would ease any of the guilt he feels about it.]
I couldn't bear it, yet...
[He really is hopeless, isn't he? Hopelessly in love just as much as this Dimitri seems to be...]
That night... at first, it was not so bad. But when they started to get desperate and set that fire, it was like I was back in Duscur again. And then I looked at you, and the thought of watching you burn too just —
[How embarrassing, getting all choked up just remembering it. Dimitri grips Felix's hand a little too tightly, just enough to hurt.]
[It hurts, but not as much as Dimitri's words as they tear through Felix's chest and shred his heart into many bloody pieces.
A frustrated sob claws its way out of his throat, his eyes stinging with tears anew. Part of Felix knew, of course. That at the end of the day, Dimitri just wanted to return home. To Felix, to Rodrigue. To Dedue, to the Kingdom. Yet Felix let terror and harsh realities overcome that thought, pushed far into the back of his mind as he watched the beast that had taken over the friend he thought he knew.]
I can't either.
[Not when his heart still aches at the way he clearly remembers his reality without Dimitri, not when he knows he'll never stop yearning for Dimitri even when his mind tells him he's better off forgetting.]
Not when I...
[...love you, but Felix purposely bites those words down, aware of crossing a point of no return should he utter those words he has no right to admit.]
[Felix is crying again. It's not at all what Dimitri intended, though he sees in retrospect how saying something like that is upsetting. Why is it that he seems to keep hurting Felix when he wants the opposite? Gritting his teeth, Dimitri forces himself to loosen his grip on his hand, gently stroking his skin with his thumb instead of squeezing the life out of it.]
I apologize. I should not have brought up a topic like that right now.
[It just slipped out, the logical next step in his train of thought. Thinking about Felix, about how he can't seem to let him go — and about how Felix can't let go either. About why he might want to let go.]
[Felix shakes his head slowly once more, the most he could manage as an objection at the moment. Why does it hurt to love Dimitri? It hurts just as much as it does to hold it all back, to refrain from giving voice to these feelings threatening to burst out of his aching chest. All he has in terms of an outlet are these sobs that, again, show no signs of ceasing along with his heartache at everything he has taken for-granted.
Or so it seems then. It feels like an eternity, but minutes later, his crying fit slows down once more, leaving behind a hollow gap in his chest once it ends for the most part.]
I'm... so pathetic, [Felix says in a hoarse whisper foreign to his ears, letting out a shaky exhale afterwards.]
[That whisper just sounds so broken. As much as Felix's tears pain him, they at least aren't entirely unfamiliar. Felix did cry quite a bit as a child. But this... he can't stand hearing him like this. Already all wrapped up with him in bed like they're children, it comes naturally to push his hair back and crane his neck enough to press a soft kiss to his forehead. Unfortunately, they aren't still children. Felix tenses up and Dimitri is quick to follow, but Felix squeezes his hand the moment he starts to draw back. He takes a slow breath, swallowing down his anxiety. After a few seconds pass, he lets out a nervous chuckle.]
I am as well. I always seem to fumble around you... it is easy to pretend with everyone else, but...
[Felix keeps his hand wrapped around Dimitri's--not as firm a grip as he wants it to, but it's all he has right now as he's recovering from his injury. The fact that Dimitri can pull away anytime he wants has him rooted to the spot, frozen in fear as he considers that option that must never come to pass. Of Dimitri's back fading into the distance as Felix desperately tries to reach out one more time, only never to see him again.
Swallowing, Felix resolves to look up from where he's hiding, his eyes on Dimitri's face.]
...I don't want you to pretend, [Felix says slowly, mouth dry as he licks his lips in anxiety, willing himself to keep his gaze steady despite the wild beating of his heart.]
[Felix is always beautiful, even with his eyes still red-rimmed from crying. Dimitri's breath catches in his throat as he tilts his head back to meet his gaze, his eyes immediately flicking down when his tongue passes over his lips. "Pathetic" is definitely the right word. His mouth falls open slightly as he pulls his hand away from Felix's, gently cupping his cheek instead.]
Felix...
[Goddess, he wants to kiss him. It would be wrong, wouldn't it? Or at the very least, it would be a bad idea with him still hurt so badly. Dimitri bites down on his lower lip in an attempt to regain some clarity, leaving visible marks from his teeth.]
[If it already wasn't so obvious before this, it totally is right now. Dimitri is holding back just as much as Felix is, and right now? He feels weak in a way he wasn't earlier, when he resolved to ignore these feelings in favor of his duty to the lord he failed.
Now, he just selfishly wishes to remain close. No, even closer, inching closer as he watches Dimitri with parted lips, drawn to him by an unseen force.]
[The air crackles between them, prickling at his skin until he's covered with goosebumps. Dimitri shivers, his thoughts wildly flinging themselves about in his skull, leaving a confused jumble for him to attempt to sort through. He isn't imagining this magnetism, is he? It's as real as the weight of Felix against his chest, as the way he scoots up ever so slightly. Then Felix speaks, asking for him to promise, and his willpower crumbles to dust. Dimitri doesn't respond verbally — doing anything but kissing him right now would be pretending, after all, so he carefully shifts his weight and lifts his head, leaning in to tentatively brush his lips against Felix's.]
[It's the only way this interaction could have gone down if Dimitri is to keep to his word, yet it manages to surprise Felix and steal his breath away anyhow. Breath hitching, he pushes back to return the favor, tilting his head slightly to better kiss Dimitri with.
It's too late. No matter how wrong they might be, there's no running away from his feelings or Dimitri's and the way they percieve each other in that respect. It's every bit sweet as it is bitter, a taste Felix finds sour in his mouth, painful to swallow as it is to acknowledge as a matter of fact.
How is he supposed to protect Dimitri when it's so easy for him to succumb to temptation like this? A temptation he unabashedly enjoys and sighs against as his fingers curl next to Dimitri's chest, his body sinking into it faster than his mind could keep up with.]
[For Dimitri, there's nothing but sweetness. He's utterly clueless as to his own fate and equally clueless to Felix's awareness of it. It leaves him able to fully enjoy the moment, all too happy to press into the kiss the moment Felix returns it. His hand slides back from Felix's cheek into his hair, the arm beneath his pillow stretching out to clasp the hand Felix has near the brick. Having Felix so close and so willing but being unable to properly embrace him is torture, but it's a torture he gladly endures, whimpering softly against Felix's lips.
He does regret not pulling the sheet over his lower half as well, though. Warmth is quickly pooling in his belly, the result of which is easily visible without his jacket in the way. At least Felix can't twist enough to look at it for now.]
[While Felix might not be able to see it, he could definitely feel the way Dimitri presses against him, every bit the 17-year-old that he is now. Far from the anguished prince he encountered at Myrddin, with nothing on his mind but the death march he promised his ghosts.
Right now, all that's in Dimitri's mind is Felix, absurd as that thought might have been just a scant month ago. Despite how much of a mess Felix is sure to look, he's still affecting Dimitri in a manner only Felix could dream of, the feel of it still surreal against his tear-streaked reality.
There isn't much Felix could do but cling to it the best that he can, interlacing his fingers with Dimitri's once his other hand meets his. Chasing after Dimitri's lips as if it were a resource as precious as the air he's currently lacking, Felix gasps against Dimitri's mouth as he loses himself in that embrace. Wanting more and everything Dimitri is able to give, he presses against Dimitri's side, heat flaring within him as he slowly tangles a leg with Dimitri's.]
[Their legs entwine and Dimitri can't help but gasp too, hit with a brief bout of dizziness over the realization that Felix now knows exactly how he feels about this.]
Ah —
[Felix's lips are soft and yielding, and even as embarrassment over his physical state takes hold, the desire to keep going is far stronger. It's just a kiss, but it feels like it says more than he's ever been able to convey with his clumsy words. There are no unfortunate misunderstandings here, only a longing to get closer, to feel him more. Dimitri breathes Felix in, welcoming the fresh wave of heat that pushes away his shyness. His tongue gently probes at the seam of Felix's lips, seeking entry. It's not even close to enough, but he'll satisfy himself joining with him in this small way. As tender and sweet as the kiss is, his hunger for more is plain to see in the way his hands tremble slightly. Holding back is a struggle — but he's not pretending otherwise, and that'll just have to be good enough.]
[Dimitri seeks entrance, and Felix gladly opens up, parting his lips to meet Dimitri's tongue in what can only be described as clumsy union. Felix moans softly as he squeezes Dimitri's hand, tasting a flavor he otherwise would never had the opportunity to chase after. The desire to go further stirs painfully in his gut, but he knows well that this is all he could manage for the moment, his limbs far too heavy to carry out the embrace he wishes to do.]
[Dimitri can't endure more than a few minutes of rapidly escalating passion before he tosses his head back on the pillow again, trying to catch his breath. He's about ten seconds from just ripping Felix's clothes off and dealing with the consequences later, which he knows is a terrible idea. He twists his head to look away in an attempt to curb the temptation, arousal coloring his skin all the way down his neck and chest.]
We — we can't... do this here.
[In an infirmary where anyone with an emergency might burst in any moment, where Felix is currently unable to so much as lift his arms over his head.]
[The abrupt pullback jerks Felix out of his trance, leaving him winded as air becomes less of a scarce commodity. It takes him a moment to process Dimitri's words, the reality of which drives home what Felix was thinking, what they were a heartbeat away from doing--
Pink creeps to his already rosy cheeks as he presses against Dimitri's shoulder, lashes fluttering downward as he observes the rise and fall of Dimitri's reddened chest.]
Indeed.
[Or ever, despite how much both of them might want it. Still, Felix doesn't know if he'd be strong enough to resist should the opportunity present itself again. For now, he's too weak and unable to push Dimitri or his impulses away. An excuse it might be to his ears, but his body doesn't seem to mind being wrapped around Dimitri like this, insistent on keeping itself glued to Dimitri's the way it is right now.]
[Dimitri stares resolutely at the muscle model Manuela has sitting out, repeating to himself internally that Felix is hurt right now, no matter how good it feels to have him plastered up against his side lightly panting for breath. At least he isn't the only one getting inappropriately aroused in the infirmary...
After about half a minute passes and his breathing slows a bit, Dimitri laughs under his breath.]
I will have to make sure to wake up early. I would not put it past Ingrid to see it on my face.
[Felix sighs, none too comfortable with everything dried up on his face at the moment. Goddess, did he really go ahead and kiss Dimitri like this? What a disaster, in more ways than one...]
I'll need your help in cleaning up.
[While Ingrid is likely to be discreet about his state, owing her an explanation is something he does not look forward to.]
[Dimitri stretches an arm out for the napkin, wetting it with a glass of water sitting on the bedside table. There's a pitcher there, he can just pour the water out and put fresh if Felix wants some later. He gently dabs Felix's face with the cool cloth, figuring he'd rather get cleaned up now instead of sleeping with dried tear trails all over his face.]
[Felix scrunches his nose as Dimitri goes about the clean up. He meant it in the morning, but Felix supposes there's no harm doing it now. Sleeping with dried tears and everything else is not exactly comfortable, after all. If anything, at least he's no longer in danger of crying again tonight, with everything out in the open as it is.
Once Dimitri is finished dabbing everything away, he breathes and curls against Dimitri's chest once more, quite comfortable where he is despite the fact he probably shouldn't indulge...]
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amewsbox2020-01-09 12:53 pm
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Would his answer be the same? Would it change? Both are terrifying prospects to behold, not that his crying fit allows him to say or ask them anyway. Still, with Dimitri's comforting touch and presence, his sobs eventually slow to hiccups, and his tears dry for the most part as they usually do when he lets Dimitri's steady heartbeat be his guide.
...Except it really isn't steady at this point, an observation that causes Felix's heavy heart to skip a beat. The blasted thing. There really isn't any other way to interpret how Dimitri is taking to their proximity, is there?]
I... don't deserve this...
[Is all Felix manages listlessly, still curling against Dimitri despite the wrongness of it all, regret still heavy in his chest.]
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What is it you do not deserve, exactly? My friendship? That is not a matter of "deserving". Whether you want it or not, it is yours.
[But ah, that sure is a feeling Dimitri intimately understands. How strange, for Felix to voice a thought like that.]
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Dimitri is alive. Wonderfully so. This is the reality he wanted, yet it feels so wrong to indulge in this. Like stealing away into his father's storeroom of prized weaponry to marvel at the heirlooms he could only dream of wielding when he was young, this moment is painted with a childish effervescence streaked by shame, the fact drying upon his still tear-streaked face as he takes a while to calm his breathing.]
Why...
[Comes the start of a raw question, punctuated by a short hiccup that doesn't stop the rest of it coming:]
You could have extended it to someone else. Why insist on giving it to me?
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...I tried to not care, you know. It seemed like it would be so much easier, like you would be happier if you changed classes and we never had to speak outside of matters related to the kingdom again. But I couldn't do it. It was... the same for you, was it not? You saw what I have become, so you tried to not care.
[But he does anyway. They both do, whether they like it or not.]
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Despite his sorrow, Felix colors anyway as he blinks back the remnants of tears, swallowing before he responds and curls his fingers slightly inwards.]
It's impossible.
[Can Dimitri feel how fast his heart is beating too? Does he know how Felix is trying his best not to look up, afraid of what he might do should he meet Dimitri's gaze? Given his physical state anyway, there really isn't much he could do to resist the temptation to remain close, so here he is, excusing all of these indulgences as if it would ease any of the guilt he feels about it.]
I couldn't bear it, yet...
[He really is hopeless, isn't he? Hopelessly in love just as much as this Dimitri seems to be...]
...I'm still here.
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[Dimitri takes a deep breath, shuddering.]
That night... at first, it was not so bad. But when they started to get desperate and set that fire, it was like I was back in Duscur again. And then I looked at you, and the thought of watching you burn too just —
[How embarrassing, getting all choked up just remembering it. Dimitri grips Felix's hand a little too tightly, just enough to hurt.]
I knew I would not survive losing you, too.
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A frustrated sob claws its way out of his throat, his eyes stinging with tears anew. Part of Felix knew, of course. That at the end of the day, Dimitri just wanted to return home. To Felix, to Rodrigue. To Dedue, to the Kingdom. Yet Felix let terror and harsh realities overcome that thought, pushed far into the back of his mind as he watched the beast that had taken over the friend he thought he knew.]
I can't either.
[Not when his heart still aches at the way he clearly remembers his reality without Dimitri, not when he knows he'll never stop yearning for Dimitri even when his mind tells him he's better off forgetting.]
Not when I...
[...love you, but Felix purposely bites those words down, aware of crossing a point of no return should he utter those words he has no right to admit.]
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[Felix is crying again. It's not at all what Dimitri intended, though he sees in retrospect how saying something like that is upsetting. Why is it that he seems to keep hurting Felix when he wants the opposite? Gritting his teeth, Dimitri forces himself to loosen his grip on his hand, gently stroking his skin with his thumb instead of squeezing the life out of it.]
I apologize. I should not have brought up a topic like that right now.
[It just slipped out, the logical next step in his train of thought. Thinking about Felix, about how he can't seem to let him go — and about how Felix can't let go either. About why he might want to let go.]
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Or so it seems then. It feels like an eternity, but minutes later, his crying fit slows down once more, leaving behind a hollow gap in his chest once it ends for the most part.]
I'm... so pathetic, [Felix says in a hoarse whisper foreign to his ears, letting out a shaky exhale afterwards.]
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I am as well. I always seem to fumble around you... it is easy to pretend with everyone else, but...
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Swallowing, Felix resolves to look up from where he's hiding, his eyes on Dimitri's face.]
...I don't want you to pretend, [Felix says slowly, mouth dry as he licks his lips in anxiety, willing himself to keep his gaze steady despite the wild beating of his heart.]
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Felix...
[Goddess, he wants to kiss him. It would be wrong, wouldn't it? Or at the very least, it would be a bad idea with him still hurt so badly. Dimitri bites down on his lower lip in an attempt to regain some clarity, leaving visible marks from his teeth.]
...then I won't pretend with you.
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Now, he just selfishly wishes to remain close. No, even closer, inching closer as he watches Dimitri with parted lips, drawn to him by an unseen force.]
Promise me.
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It's too late. No matter how wrong they might be, there's no running away from his feelings or Dimitri's and the way they percieve each other in that respect. It's every bit sweet as it is bitter, a taste Felix finds sour in his mouth, painful to swallow as it is to acknowledge as a matter of fact.
How is he supposed to protect Dimitri when it's so easy for him to succumb to temptation like this? A temptation he unabashedly enjoys and sighs against as his fingers curl next to Dimitri's chest, his body sinking into it faster than his mind could keep up with.]
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He does regret not pulling the sheet over his lower half as well, though. Warmth is quickly pooling in his belly, the result of which is easily visible without his jacket in the way. At least Felix can't twist enough to look at it for now.]
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Right now, all that's in Dimitri's mind is Felix, absurd as that thought might have been just a scant month ago. Despite how much of a mess Felix is sure to look, he's still affecting Dimitri in a manner only Felix could dream of, the feel of it still surreal against his tear-streaked reality.
There isn't much Felix could do but cling to it the best that he can, interlacing his fingers with Dimitri's once his other hand meets his. Chasing after Dimitri's lips as if it were a resource as precious as the air he's currently lacking, Felix gasps against Dimitri's mouth as he loses himself in that embrace. Wanting more and everything Dimitri is able to give, he presses against Dimitri's side, heat flaring within him as he slowly tangles a leg with Dimitri's.]
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Ah —
[Felix's lips are soft and yielding, and even as embarrassment over his physical state takes hold, the desire to keep going is far stronger. It's just a kiss, but it feels like it says more than he's ever been able to convey with his clumsy words. There are no unfortunate misunderstandings here, only a longing to get closer, to feel him more. Dimitri breathes Felix in, welcoming the fresh wave of heat that pushes away his shyness. His tongue gently probes at the seam of Felix's lips, seeking entry. It's not even close to enough, but he'll satisfy himself joining with him in this small way. As tender and sweet as the kiss is, his hunger for more is plain to see in the way his hands tremble slightly. Holding back is a struggle — but he's not pretending otherwise, and that'll just have to be good enough.]
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We — we can't... do this here.
[In an infirmary where anyone with an emergency might burst in any moment, where Felix is currently unable to so much as lift his arms over his head.]
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Pink creeps to his already rosy cheeks as he presses against Dimitri's shoulder, lashes fluttering downward as he observes the rise and fall of Dimitri's reddened chest.]
Indeed.
[Or ever, despite how much both of them might want it. Still, Felix doesn't know if he'd be strong enough to resist should the opportunity present itself again. For now, he's too weak and unable to push Dimitri or his impulses away. An excuse it might be to his ears, but his body doesn't seem to mind being wrapped around Dimitri like this, insistent on keeping itself glued to Dimitri's the way it is right now.]
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After about half a minute passes and his breathing slows a bit, Dimitri laughs under his breath.]
I will have to make sure to wake up early. I would not put it past Ingrid to see it on my face.
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[Felix sighs, none too comfortable with everything dried up on his face at the moment. Goddess, did he really go ahead and kiss Dimitri like this? What a disaster, in more ways than one...]
I'll need your help in cleaning up.
[While Ingrid is likely to be discreet about his state, owing her an explanation is something he does not look forward to.]
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[Dimitri stretches an arm out for the napkin, wetting it with a glass of water sitting on the bedside table. There's a pitcher there, he can just pour the water out and put fresh if Felix wants some later. He gently dabs Felix's face with the cool cloth, figuring he'd rather get cleaned up now instead of sleeping with dried tear trails all over his face.]
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Once Dimitri is finished dabbing everything away, he breathes and curls against Dimitri's chest once more, quite comfortable where he is despite the fact he probably shouldn't indulge...]
Thanks.
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