[Felix's hair falls loosely around his face and shoulders, and as if that weren't distracting enough, he starts undressing, too. Why?! Wouldn't he just have changed in his own room? Is he planning on not wearing anything to sleep? Goddess preserve him, he wouldn't be able to survive that. Dimitri might valiantly stamp down any inappropriate feelings he has for Felix considering the sorry state of their friendship, but all the denial in the world can't protect him from at least acknowledging that he's... pretty. Dimitri quickly shuffles over to the teapot, clearing his throat.]
[Unbuttoning his shirt helps a bit, though not by much. Once he shrugs it off, he wastes no time in donning his nightshirt and folding up his discarded clothing for wearing again the next day. He'll still have to take off his pants, but Dimitri's question distracts him from the task, and he tilts his head to give him a level glance.]
Sure, I'll get it later.
[Is... Dimitri embarrassed? How strange, they have changed in front of each other quite a number of times...]
...What's the matter?
[Or maybe it's something else, and he's reading this wrong.]
[They have, but not in a room alone together — coincidentally meeting at the baths with other people present is a far cry from Felix undressing in his room. He nods stiffly at that "later", opting to just pour himself a cup and put the pot and the extra cup out in plain sight for Felix to have at his leisure. He has his own cup in hand as he turns to go back to bed, but then Felix calls him out on his anxieties. There's an ominous sounding crack from that cup, prompting Dimitri to quickly drain it before the tea leaks out. It burns, but he endures it, looking distinctly uncomfortable.]
[Felix does away with his pants while waiting for Dimitri's answer. But then there's that cracking sound, and not really thinking on it, Felix rises sharply to his feet, eyes wide with concern as he reaches out towards Dimitri, about to ask a certain question--]
...I'm making you uncomfortable, aren't I?
[Felix lowers his head, ashamed at the realization that comes to him. It's been a while they've had any kind of sleepover after all, and given how Felix has been treating Dimitri prior...
No wonder Dimitri is so nervous. He must think Felix is about to snap at him for the smallest things...]
[Dimitri discreetly lowers that cup into the trash, knowing that it's done for. A crack on the side with the handle? Better to just toss it out. He lifts his gaze to look at Felix again when he speaks up, noticing the way his hand had been extended.
Then he laughs — more of a giggle, really.]
A little bit, [he admits, stepping in to tentatively take hold of his hand, ready to jerk away if he gets a negative reaction. Felix isn't wrong, he is kind of expecting it. Even so, he continues:]
But... I am glad you are here all the same. I've missed you.
[The laugh comes as a surprise, especially with the admittance that follows thereafter. But Dimitri holds on to his hand, and Felix, dumbfounded, just stares as Dimitri clasps it, sincere with his words.
Felix tchs, looking away as a blush creeps to his cheeks.]
I... I just want you to quit worrying about me. That's all.
[Dimitri isn't the only one that missed this familiar closeness, but Felix isn't really inclined to admit that. Not right now, when things are barely back, and not when he hasn't ascertained what he can or cannot do in this strange reality.]
[It's every bit as sincere as his confession. He won't hide that he was terribly worried about Felix, just as he won't hide that he's deeply relieved to have him here, safe, not secretly being blackmailed into doing something nefarious or whatever. Slightly reluctant, Dimitri lets go, making his way back to his bed to settle back down. The look in his eyes is painfully fond as he curls up on his side facing Felix, the icy hue thawing into a clear blue sky.]
[Is Felix's defiant declaration as he turns back to his drawstring pajamas, pulling them over his legs before he marches over to where the tea is, trying not to notice how... blue Dimitri's eyes are as he takes a sip off it while standing up.
It's just not any kind of blue--it's one that reminds him of the spring sky when everything starts to thaw around Fhirdiad, and they could finally start playing outside again...]
[Wait, this is for more than one night? Dimitri just gapes for a moment, but once it sinks it he's just...
He doesn't even know, but he's happy, at any rate. He's not cold, but he'll pull the blanket over himself anyway so that he can tug it up to his nose, concealing most of his pink cheeks. Goddess, but it's embarrassing to be this happy over a sleepover, like he's a little kid or something!]
I imagine your back would start hurting before too long. These floors are not forgiving.
[With the tea having chilled a good bit, Felix manages to down two thirds of it, staring into what remains.]
We've camped out with worse conditions.
[Compared to the forest floor and some jagged terrain they had the pleasure of traversing, the dormitory stone is practically comfortable, to say the least of it.]
[Goddess willing, he'll never have to. Sleeping is already a nightmare, and he doesn't really sleep much when they have to camp. Dimitri lowers his blanket shield, one hand creeping outward to curl his fingers on the edge of the mattress instead.]
[True, but even this Felix isn't about to admit that. Finishing the rest of his cup, he sets it back on the table before retreating to his bedroll.]
Whatever. Good night.
[Pulling his blanket over himself, he curls to the side, his back to Dimitri as he effects some semblance of sleep on the floor. Given that he's gone through a lot more campaigns than Dimitri had at this point in time, it's not exactly a complex feat to deal with, in any case.]
Good night, Felix, [he says softly, sitting up again to blow out the candles.
He can't sleep, of course. His gaze is drawn by the silhouette of Felix's sleeping form. He still sleeps exactly the same way, curled over with his fists drawn in toward his chest, like a little baby. It's strange to see him this vulnerable again after so long. Just what was it that changed? He truly thought that Felix had come to hate him — it was easy to believe because of how much he hates himself. But if he did, then he wouldn't be here like this, wouldn't have checked on him after he got hurt, wouldn't have cried...
Has Felix been the same as him all this time, too angry at the injustice of it all to be able to feel much of anything else? It's something he'll spend the rest of the night thinking about.]
[Felix manages to sleep just fine, even if his rest happens to be light variety. But nothing ever warrants him to wake up from it, and the next night is more of the same, despite Dimitri looking on with undisguised concern as he lays on the floor tucked inside his bedroll.
The last night, however, comes with some unconscious troubles in the form of his dreams, with this particular one having him toss and turn in bed it usually does. Brows furrowed, he clutches at his sheets, grip white-knuckled as his breath hitches in his throat, dwelling in an image so clear in his mind.]
[The second night, Dimitri actually manages to sleep. It's comforting to have Felix there, even if it is a little embarrassing to be comforted by such a childish thing. It doesn't stop him from worrying a bit, though, and on that last night, he sees that he was right to worry: Felix is twisting around on his bedroll, his breathing not at all the soft, steady rhythm of a person soundly asleep. It's the disruption in his breathing that has Dimitri stirring, having been using it like white noise to block out more unpleasant things. He leans over the bed, peering down at Felix, taking in all the telltale signs of a nightmare.
Should he wake him? Will Felix be angry if he does? This peace between them feels so fragile, and fear of breaking it paralyzes him, leaving him gazing sorrowfully at Felix, helpless.]
[In Felix's dream, he's chasing after Dimitri's back, the aforementioned unhearing of his demands for an answer. Felix keeps calling out, but step by step, Dimitri draws further and further away, until he fades away into the distance, with Felix blindly reaching out for someone who is no longer there.
In the said dream, Felix calls for him to come back, but the words never make it out of Felix, sleeping on the floor of Dimitri's room. Instead, a choked noise wrenches itself out of Felix's throat, a whimper to go with the tears that unconsciously trickle down his cheeks, along with a word that does make it out of his mouth:]
[Even if it causes friction between them, he can't leave Felix like that. Dimitri slips out of bed, kneeling beside his bedroll as he reaches out to clasp onto his hand. An enemy doesn't try to hold someone's hand, after all — any other touch might meet with an unpleasant reaction.]
It sounds equally distant and close, but it's the warm hand clasping his that jolts him awake, wide eyes meeting Dimitri's concerned blue.
A moment later, Felix lowers his forehead to Dimitri's hand, both an effort to root himself in this reality and to hide his embarrassingly tear-streaked face. How much had he said out loud? And did Dimitri hear and see everything...?
...It probably is the case. Sighing, he blinks some of those tears away before speaking.]
...I know.
[It comes off as a coarse whisper, with Felix squeezing his eyes shut as a swell of emotion threatens to spill forth. He confines it to the way his hand quakes underneath Dimitri's, swallowing the fresh wave of regret he feels at the dream that seems like it just happened yesterday.]
[As children, it always hurt to see Felix cry. Even then, even when Felix cried frequently, it was heart-wrenching. Now, it feels as if it simply tears his heart right out of his chest entirely, leaving it raw on the chilled floor.
Dimitri doesn't quite make out what Felix says in response. Either "I know" or simply "no", two unfortunately different reactions. But the way Felix's hand trembles makes him think it might have been the latter. Even if it wasn't, Dimitri can't bear the thought of failing to reach out if Felix needs him. It's a mistake he only made the once, too caught up in his own pain and trauma to realize what he was doing. He's not going to do it again, not even if Felix pushes him away a hundred times.]
I'm sorry...
[For everything. For losing himself, for making Felix see it, for still being that beast he fears. Beast or not, it doesn't stop him from gently trying to guide Felix's face to his shoulder instead of his hand, not saying a word about his tears.]
[How deplorable he must be if this young Dimitri has turned to comforting him, as if he were the elder in this scenario and not Felix. But this Dimitri doesn't know, doesn't he? That this Felix isn't quite his Felix anymore, or what kind of future waits for him should he continue to tread a certain path...
But at the same time, Felix is here, isn't he? And it seems that his own actions have their own unpredictable consequences as well, going by his situation. Like staying in Dimitri's room, sleeping on his stone cold floor like it's the most natural thing in the world.
Unthinkable for the Felix of the past, but all the Felix of the present wants is to stay close to Dimitri, a sentiment that surprises even the said Felix, up to and including the way he takes up that offer to lean against Dimitri's shoulder, soaking his sleeve wet with his tears that continue to flow and shaking his head all the while.
Felix is the one who is supposed to be sorry, not Dimitri. Yet the words would not come, and all Felix has is that action to hopefully convey his sentiments.]
[Felix allows Dimitri to pull him in, and after Felix's head has been properly resting on his shoulder for a few moments, Dimitri carefully enfolds him in a gentle embrace. One hand comes to rest between his shoulder blades, the other cradles his head. Though his hands are much larger than they were back when they were children, the warmth is the same, as is the manner in which he starts stroking Felix's back.]
I didn't mean to scare you.
[Not when he withdraw after Duscur, not back when they quelled the rebellion, and not just a few days ago when he stupidly got himself hurt during battle.]
[Swallowing the bitterness that comes with Dimitri's apology, Felix simply buries his head in that embrace, trying to choke out words before some syllables finally make it out of him.]
It's... not that...
[The nostalgia of it all, coupled with his relief at finally being able to say something has Felix crying some more. His frustration at his inability to properly communicate still lingers, but it's far too overshadowed by his desire to cling to this familiar warmth, to this very much alive Dimitri that feels like a dream that may slip away any moment.]
Dimitri doesn't ask. Whatever it is, it upsets Felix all the more when he tries to say it, and though he desperately wants to help him with it, he doesn't want to cause him further distress. It's like when they were children, in a way — Felix crying too much to properly explain just what upset him, so Dimitri would just hold him until he felt better...]
...we do not have to discuss it now. Would you... come and lie down with me?
[Asking if Felix wants to even do such a thing would be better, but he knows him well enough to know he would refuse with that phrasing. If it's for Dimitri's sake, then perhaps his pride will allow him to do it.]
[Felix knows, damn well knows what those words are code for. For Dimitri to care enough to choose them so carefully has Felix gritting his teeth, wondering what possessed him to take all of these acts of kindness for-granted. Dimitri is a fool for caring so much for an idiot like him, but honestly, so is Felix for letting everything pass him by.
And Felix, foolish as he is, nods into Dimitri's shirt, wanting to keep this reality close, away from the nightmares that would dare to wrench it away from him.]
[The answer is not entirely a surprise, but he's still stupidly happy to hear it. How pathetic, being glad Felix is upset enough to need to seek comfort in him again like this...
Yet he is, all the same. Dimitri draws back just a little, taking hold of Felix's hands. Mindful of his own wounds, he won't pull Felix to his feet, but he will gently tug him up toward his bed, encouraging him to climb up with him. He'll keep that hold as he lies down on his side facing Felix, smiling the same gentle smile he used to wear in those days before Duscur.]
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cynicfelixity) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
amewsbox2020-01-09 12:53 pm
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Would you like a cup?
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Sure, I'll get it later.
[Is... Dimitri embarrassed? How strange, they have changed in front of each other quite a number of times...]
...What's the matter?
[Or maybe it's something else, and he's reading this wrong.]
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...it doesn't matter.
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...I'm making you uncomfortable, aren't I?
[Felix lowers his head, ashamed at the realization that comes to him. It's been a while they've had any kind of sleepover after all, and given how Felix has been treating Dimitri prior...
No wonder Dimitri is so nervous. He must think Felix is about to snap at him for the smallest things...]
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Then he laughs — more of a giggle, really.]
A little bit, [he admits, stepping in to tentatively take hold of his hand, ready to jerk away if he gets a negative reaction. Felix isn't wrong, he is kind of expecting it. Even so, he continues:]
But... I am glad you are here all the same. I've missed you.
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Felix tchs, looking away as a blush creeps to his cheeks.]
I... I just want you to quit worrying about me. That's all.
[Dimitri isn't the only one that missed this familiar closeness, but Felix isn't really inclined to admit that. Not right now, when things are barely back, and not when he hasn't ascertained what he can or cannot do in this strange reality.]
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[It's every bit as sincere as his confession. He won't hide that he was terribly worried about Felix, just as he won't hide that he's deeply relieved to have him here, safe, not secretly being blackmailed into doing something nefarious or whatever. Slightly reluctant, Dimitri lets go, making his way back to his bed to settle back down. The look in his eyes is painfully fond as he curls up on his side facing Felix, the icy hue thawing into a clear blue sky.]
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[Is Felix's defiant declaration as he turns back to his drawstring pajamas, pulling them over his legs before he marches over to where the tea is, trying not to notice how... blue Dimitri's eyes are as he takes a sip off it while standing up.
It's just not any kind of blue--it's one that reminds him of the spring sky when everything starts to thaw around Fhirdiad, and they could finally start playing outside again...]
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He doesn't even know, but he's happy, at any rate. He's not cold, but he'll pull the blanket over himself anyway so that he can tug it up to his nose, concealing most of his pink cheeks. Goddess, but it's embarrassing to be this happy over a sleepover, like he's a little kid or something!]
I imagine your back would start hurting before too long. These floors are not forgiving.
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We've camped out with worse conditions.
[Compared to the forest floor and some jagged terrain they had the pleasure of traversing, the dormitory stone is practically comfortable, to say the least of it.]
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[Goddess willing, he'll never have to. Sleeping is already a nightmare, and he doesn't really sleep much when they have to camp. Dimitri lowers his blanket shield, one hand creeping outward to curl his fingers on the edge of the mattress instead.]
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Whatever. Good night.
[Pulling his blanket over himself, he curls to the side, his back to Dimitri as he effects some semblance of sleep on the floor. Given that he's gone through a lot more campaigns than Dimitri had at this point in time, it's not exactly a complex feat to deal with, in any case.]
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He can't sleep, of course. His gaze is drawn by the silhouette of Felix's sleeping form. He still sleeps exactly the same way, curled over with his fists drawn in toward his chest, like a little baby. It's strange to see him this vulnerable again after so long. Just what was it that changed? He truly thought that Felix had come to hate him — it was easy to believe because of how much he hates himself. But if he did, then he wouldn't be here like this, wouldn't have checked on him after he got hurt, wouldn't have cried...
Has Felix been the same as him all this time, too angry at the injustice of it all to be able to feel much of anything else? It's something he'll spend the rest of the night thinking about.]
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The last night, however, comes with some unconscious troubles in the form of his dreams, with this particular one having him toss and turn in bed it usually does. Brows furrowed, he clutches at his sheets, grip white-knuckled as his breath hitches in his throat, dwelling in an image so clear in his mind.]
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Should he wake him? Will Felix be angry if he does? This peace between them feels so fragile, and fear of breaking it paralyzes him, leaving him gazing sorrowfully at Felix, helpless.]
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In the said dream, Felix calls for him to come back, but the words never make it out of Felix, sleeping on the floor of Dimitri's room. Instead, a choked noise wrenches itself out of Felix's throat, a whimper to go with the tears that unconsciously trickle down his cheeks, along with a word that does make it out of his mouth:]
Dimitri...
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I'm here.
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It sounds equally distant and close, but it's the warm hand clasping his that jolts him awake, wide eyes meeting Dimitri's concerned blue.
A moment later, Felix lowers his forehead to Dimitri's hand, both an effort to root himself in this reality and to hide his embarrassingly tear-streaked face. How much had he said out loud? And did Dimitri hear and see everything...?
...It probably is the case. Sighing, he blinks some of those tears away before speaking.]
...I know.
[It comes off as a coarse whisper, with Felix squeezing his eyes shut as a swell of emotion threatens to spill forth. He confines it to the way his hand quakes underneath Dimitri's, swallowing the fresh wave of regret he feels at the dream that seems like it just happened yesterday.]
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Dimitri doesn't quite make out what Felix says in response. Either "I know" or simply "no", two unfortunately different reactions. But the way Felix's hand trembles makes him think it might have been the latter. Even if it wasn't, Dimitri can't bear the thought of failing to reach out if Felix needs him. It's a mistake he only made the once, too caught up in his own pain and trauma to realize what he was doing. He's not going to do it again, not even if Felix pushes him away a hundred times.]
I'm sorry...
[For everything. For losing himself, for making Felix see it, for still being that beast he fears. Beast or not, it doesn't stop him from gently trying to guide Felix's face to his shoulder instead of his hand, not saying a word about his tears.]
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But at the same time, Felix is here, isn't he? And it seems that his own actions have their own unpredictable consequences as well, going by his situation. Like staying in Dimitri's room, sleeping on his stone cold floor like it's the most natural thing in the world.
Unthinkable for the Felix of the past, but all the Felix of the present wants is to stay close to Dimitri, a sentiment that surprises even the said Felix, up to and including the way he takes up that offer to lean against Dimitri's shoulder, soaking his sleeve wet with his tears that continue to flow and shaking his head all the while.
Felix is the one who is supposed to be sorry, not Dimitri. Yet the words would not come, and all Felix has is that action to hopefully convey his sentiments.]
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I didn't mean to scare you.
[Not when he withdraw after Duscur, not back when they quelled the rebellion, and not just a few days ago when he stupidly got himself hurt during battle.]
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It's... not that...
[The nostalgia of it all, coupled with his relief at finally being able to say something has Felix crying some more. His frustration at his inability to properly communicate still lingers, but it's far too overshadowed by his desire to cling to this familiar warmth, to this very much alive Dimitri that feels like a dream that may slip away any moment.]
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Dimitri doesn't ask. Whatever it is, it upsets Felix all the more when he tries to say it, and though he desperately wants to help him with it, he doesn't want to cause him further distress. It's like when they were children, in a way — Felix crying too much to properly explain just what upset him, so Dimitri would just hold him until he felt better...]
...we do not have to discuss it now. Would you... come and lie down with me?
[Asking if Felix wants to even do such a thing would be better, but he knows him well enough to know he would refuse with that phrasing. If it's for Dimitri's sake, then perhaps his pride will allow him to do it.]
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And Felix, foolish as he is, nods into Dimitri's shirt, wanting to keep this reality close, away from the nightmares that would dare to wrench it away from him.]
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Yet he is, all the same. Dimitri draws back just a little, taking hold of Felix's hands. Mindful of his own wounds, he won't pull Felix to his feet, but he will gently tug him up toward his bed, encouraging him to climb up with him. He'll keep that hold as he lies down on his side facing Felix, smiling the same gentle smile he used to wear in those days before Duscur.]
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