[Dimitri's admission is soft and sincere. A part of him worries that it's too much too fast, but since he means that he missed their friendship, he lets himself say it. After all, it's not as if they were something more before, silly childhood promises of marriage aside. Wanting a permanent sleepover isn't the same thing as a true marriage.
He squeezes his eyes shut, not wanting Felix to pick up too much in his expression.]
[Thankfully, Dimitri does not seem to pick up on his sorrow, but the relief that comes with it practically evaporates at that earnest admission. Especially with the longing that comes with the mention of his name, different from the time he said something similar back when Felix slept over in his room.
Instead of warming his heart, it feels like a stab in the gut, painfully hot as the wound he had received across his back. A reminder of what he had vehemently pushed away in favor of senseless pride and fear, of what he lost and now just found.]
I... missed you too.
[Damn. Why does his voice sound like it's cracking, and what's that wetness trickling down the side of his face and past the bridge of his nose? Felix blinks and finds his answer, hating himself a little more as it flows incessantly, himself unable to take care of it.]
[Dimitri may not know why that made Felix start to cry, but he certainly hears it in his voice. He'd like to let Felix keep a little dignity this time and pretend to not notice, but he knows that Felix shouldn't be lifting his hands. So he lets go of Felix's hand in favor of cupping his cheek, wiping the tears away with his thumb. Once again, he's left wondering just what goes on in the Black Eagle classroom to change Felix so much.]
[As much as Felix does not wish to be noticed, there really is no helping it with the way he knows he shouldn't be lifting his hands. So Dimitri, as he has been doing since, takes care of it, gentle as he wipes away those tears for him. But even with that comfort, they come back like it doesn't matter at all, flowing as they will despite Felix's attempts to stop them.
An apology is at the tip of his tongue, but Felix swallows it back, cursing himself as a sob wracks his body at the memory of everything it took for him to realize the importance of the person before him.]
[Unable to properly embrace him, Dimitri is forced to settle for scooting in a little closer and shifting upward slightly, cradling Felix's head near his bared chest. At the very least, Felix can hide his face this way. It feels inadequate, but what else can he do? He can't just scoop him into a hug, he might rip that wound back open or damage his healing muscles. Leaving Felix unable to fight would be devastating.
Really, though, he has to wonder if this is even comforting. It seems like getting too close only brings Felix to tears. Hopefully, they're cathartic...]
[Being this close to Dimitri is equal parts cathartic as it is distressing, an ever permanent reminder of everything Felix had turned away and left behind in his misguided quest for strength. The irony of being comforted by the cause of this anguish isn't lost on him, yet he can't be bothered to push away the aforementioned, ever so weak despite the so-called "strength" he had acquired from battles past.]
I'm... sorry, [Felix manages between sniffles, curling slightly into Dimitri's chest as he fists his hands into the sheets, his knuckles brushing past Dimitri's skin when he does so.]
[Felix's hand against his bare skin makes his heart skip a beat, even just brushing against it like that. Honestly, he needs to get this under control...! He's tempted to ask Sylvain how to keep himself calm, but it seems like Sylvain doesn't bother with doing that himself.]
You have not done anything you need to apologize for.
[Slightly pink, he starts to card his fingers through Felix's hair, an attempt at reassurance.]
[Felix shakes his head in disagreement. But he has. So many things, the worst of them being loving Dimitri when he has no right to do so, especially for the sin of abandoning him, and realizing so when it's too late...
Or is it? Felix isn't sure if he wants to dare to hope otherwise, but all the same, the reality is that he had abandoned Dimitri, hadn't tried hard enough to stop him or listen to him during the time he needed someone the most. If Felix just reached out as early as now back then and never left, would Dimitri have turned out the way he did...? It's a little hard to say, though the guilt eating at his heart seems to say things would have been different if so.]
...whatever it is you feel you need to apologize to me for, I promise I would not want you to torture yourself so about it. I do hope that you can trust me enough to tell me someday, but even if you do not, I am just happy to have you here now.
[More than he can say, in ways he shouldn't be. He's thankful that Felix's face is hidden from sight. Dimitri continues to gently stroke Felix's hair, praying he can't feel the beating of his heart.]
[Would he? Even after he gives in to everything his ghosts ask for? A part of Felix wants to ask, but it's also the same part of him too afraid to know the answer, especially given what he's seen of Dimitri back in Myrddin.
Would his answer be the same? Would it change? Both are terrifying prospects to behold, not that his crying fit allows him to say or ask them anyway. Still, with Dimitri's comforting touch and presence, his sobs eventually slow to hiccups, and his tears dry for the most part as they usually do when he lets Dimitri's steady heartbeat be his guide.
...Except it really isn't steady at this point, an observation that causes Felix's heavy heart to skip a beat. The blasted thing. There really isn't any other way to interpret how Dimitri is taking to their proximity, is there?]
I... don't deserve this...
[Is all Felix manages listlessly, still curling against Dimitri despite the wrongness of it all, regret still heavy in his chest.]
[Dimitri can tell that Felix is trying to curl up against him, but it doesn't work that well with him on his stomach. He shifts to lie down on his back, wiggling his arm under Felix's pillow with Felix nestled up at his side. It's definitely a position that feels like something a couple would do...]
What is it you do not deserve, exactly? My friendship? That is not a matter of "deserving". Whether you want it or not, it is yours.
[But ah, that sure is a feeling Dimitri intimately understands. How strange, for Felix to voice a thought like that.]
[Everything, but Felix falls silent as he settles into this more comfortable position. Intimate as it is, he does not have the heart to put a stop to it, simply resting by Dimitri's shoulder as he splays his fingers across his muscled torso.
Dimitri is alive. Wonderfully so. This is the reality he wanted, yet it feels so wrong to indulge in this. Like stealing away into his father's storeroom of prized weaponry to marvel at the heirlooms he could only dream of wielding when he was young, this moment is painted with a childish effervescence streaked by shame, the fact drying upon his still tear-streaked face as he takes a while to calm his breathing.]
Why...
[Comes the start of a raw question, punctuated by a short hiccup that doesn't stop the rest of it coming:]
You could have extended it to someone else. Why insist on giving it to me?
[Felix's hand is practically right over his heart, and he knows that he'll be able to feel the way it rapidly flutters in his chest. Dimitri swallows hard, placing his free hand atop Felix's like that will somehow distract him from it.]
...I tried to not care, you know. It seemed like it would be so much easier, like you would be happier if you changed classes and we never had to speak outside of matters related to the kingdom again. But I couldn't do it. It was... the same for you, was it not? You saw what I have become, so you tried to not care.
[But he does anyway. They both do, whether they like it or not.]
[It's proving to be quite the distraction indeed, drawing more attention to their closeness, the intimacy of having Dimitri's heat pressing against his hand from either side...
Despite his sorrow, Felix colors anyway as he blinks back the remnants of tears, swallowing before he responds and curls his fingers slightly inwards.]
It's impossible.
[Can Dimitri feel how fast his heart is beating too? Does he know how Felix is trying his best not to look up, afraid of what he might do should he meet Dimitri's gaze? Given his physical state anyway, there really isn't much he could do to resist the temptation to remain close, so here he is, excusing all of these indulgences as if it would ease any of the guilt he feels about it.]
I couldn't bear it, yet...
[He really is hopeless, isn't he? Hopelessly in love just as much as this Dimitri seems to be...]
That night... at first, it was not so bad. But when they started to get desperate and set that fire, it was like I was back in Duscur again. And then I looked at you, and the thought of watching you burn too just —
[How embarrassing, getting all choked up just remembering it. Dimitri grips Felix's hand a little too tightly, just enough to hurt.]
[It hurts, but not as much as Dimitri's words as they tear through Felix's chest and shred his heart into many bloody pieces.
A frustrated sob claws its way out of his throat, his eyes stinging with tears anew. Part of Felix knew, of course. That at the end of the day, Dimitri just wanted to return home. To Felix, to Rodrigue. To Dedue, to the Kingdom. Yet Felix let terror and harsh realities overcome that thought, pushed far into the back of his mind as he watched the beast that had taken over the friend he thought he knew.]
I can't either.
[Not when his heart still aches at the way he clearly remembers his reality without Dimitri, not when he knows he'll never stop yearning for Dimitri even when his mind tells him he's better off forgetting.]
Not when I...
[...love you, but Felix purposely bites those words down, aware of crossing a point of no return should he utter those words he has no right to admit.]
[Felix is crying again. It's not at all what Dimitri intended, though he sees in retrospect how saying something like that is upsetting. Why is it that he seems to keep hurting Felix when he wants the opposite? Gritting his teeth, Dimitri forces himself to loosen his grip on his hand, gently stroking his skin with his thumb instead of squeezing the life out of it.]
I apologize. I should not have brought up a topic like that right now.
[It just slipped out, the logical next step in his train of thought. Thinking about Felix, about how he can't seem to let him go — and about how Felix can't let go either. About why he might want to let go.]
[Felix shakes his head slowly once more, the most he could manage as an objection at the moment. Why does it hurt to love Dimitri? It hurts just as much as it does to hold it all back, to refrain from giving voice to these feelings threatening to burst out of his aching chest. All he has in terms of an outlet are these sobs that, again, show no signs of ceasing along with his heartache at everything he has taken for-granted.
Or so it seems then. It feels like an eternity, but minutes later, his crying fit slows down once more, leaving behind a hollow gap in his chest once it ends for the most part.]
I'm... so pathetic, [Felix says in a hoarse whisper foreign to his ears, letting out a shaky exhale afterwards.]
[That whisper just sounds so broken. As much as Felix's tears pain him, they at least aren't entirely unfamiliar. Felix did cry quite a bit as a child. But this... he can't stand hearing him like this. Already all wrapped up with him in bed like they're children, it comes naturally to push his hair back and crane his neck enough to press a soft kiss to his forehead. Unfortunately, they aren't still children. Felix tenses up and Dimitri is quick to follow, but Felix squeezes his hand the moment he starts to draw back. He takes a slow breath, swallowing down his anxiety. After a few seconds pass, he lets out a nervous chuckle.]
I am as well. I always seem to fumble around you... it is easy to pretend with everyone else, but...
[Felix keeps his hand wrapped around Dimitri's--not as firm a grip as he wants it to, but it's all he has right now as he's recovering from his injury. The fact that Dimitri can pull away anytime he wants has him rooted to the spot, frozen in fear as he considers that option that must never come to pass. Of Dimitri's back fading into the distance as Felix desperately tries to reach out one more time, only never to see him again.
Swallowing, Felix resolves to look up from where he's hiding, his eyes on Dimitri's face.]
...I don't want you to pretend, [Felix says slowly, mouth dry as he licks his lips in anxiety, willing himself to keep his gaze steady despite the wild beating of his heart.]
[Felix is always beautiful, even with his eyes still red-rimmed from crying. Dimitri's breath catches in his throat as he tilts his head back to meet his gaze, his eyes immediately flicking down when his tongue passes over his lips. "Pathetic" is definitely the right word. His mouth falls open slightly as he pulls his hand away from Felix's, gently cupping his cheek instead.]
Felix...
[Goddess, he wants to kiss him. It would be wrong, wouldn't it? Or at the very least, it would be a bad idea with him still hurt so badly. Dimitri bites down on his lower lip in an attempt to regain some clarity, leaving visible marks from his teeth.]
[If it already wasn't so obvious before this, it totally is right now. Dimitri is holding back just as much as Felix is, and right now? He feels weak in a way he wasn't earlier, when he resolved to ignore these feelings in favor of his duty to the lord he failed.
Now, he just selfishly wishes to remain close. No, even closer, inching closer as he watches Dimitri with parted lips, drawn to him by an unseen force.]
[The air crackles between them, prickling at his skin until he's covered with goosebumps. Dimitri shivers, his thoughts wildly flinging themselves about in his skull, leaving a confused jumble for him to attempt to sort through. He isn't imagining this magnetism, is he? It's as real as the weight of Felix against his chest, as the way he scoots up ever so slightly. Then Felix speaks, asking for him to promise, and his willpower crumbles to dust. Dimitri doesn't respond verbally — doing anything but kissing him right now would be pretending, after all, so he carefully shifts his weight and lifts his head, leaning in to tentatively brush his lips against Felix's.]
[It's the only way this interaction could have gone down if Dimitri is to keep to his word, yet it manages to surprise Felix and steal his breath away anyhow. Breath hitching, he pushes back to return the favor, tilting his head slightly to better kiss Dimitri with.
It's too late. No matter how wrong they might be, there's no running away from his feelings or Dimitri's and the way they percieve each other in that respect. It's every bit sweet as it is bitter, a taste Felix finds sour in his mouth, painful to swallow as it is to acknowledge as a matter of fact.
How is he supposed to protect Dimitri when it's so easy for him to succumb to temptation like this? A temptation he unabashedly enjoys and sighs against as his fingers curl next to Dimitri's chest, his body sinking into it faster than his mind could keep up with.]
[For Dimitri, there's nothing but sweetness. He's utterly clueless as to his own fate and equally clueless to Felix's awareness of it. It leaves him able to fully enjoy the moment, all too happy to press into the kiss the moment Felix returns it. His hand slides back from Felix's cheek into his hair, the arm beneath his pillow stretching out to clasp the hand Felix has near the brick. Having Felix so close and so willing but being unable to properly embrace him is torture, but it's a torture he gladly endures, whimpering softly against Felix's lips.
He does regret not pulling the sheet over his lower half as well, though. Warmth is quickly pooling in his belly, the result of which is easily visible without his jacket in the way. At least Felix can't twist enough to look at it for now.]
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cynicfelixity) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
amewsbox2020-01-09 12:53 pm
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[Dimitri's admission is soft and sincere. A part of him worries that it's too much too fast, but since he means that he missed their friendship, he lets himself say it. After all, it's not as if they were something more before, silly childhood promises of marriage aside. Wanting a permanent sleepover isn't the same thing as a true marriage.
He squeezes his eyes shut, not wanting Felix to pick up too much in his expression.]
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Instead of warming his heart, it feels like a stab in the gut, painfully hot as the wound he had received across his back. A reminder of what he had vehemently pushed away in favor of senseless pride and fear, of what he lost and now just found.]
I... missed you too.
[Damn. Why does his voice sound like it's cracking, and what's that wetness trickling down the side of his face and past the bridge of his nose? Felix blinks and finds his answer, hating himself a little more as it flows incessantly, himself unable to take care of it.]
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An apology is at the tip of his tongue, but Felix swallows it back, cursing himself as a sob wracks his body at the memory of everything it took for him to realize the importance of the person before him.]
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Really, though, he has to wonder if this is even comforting. It seems like getting too close only brings Felix to tears. Hopefully, they're cathartic...]
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I'm... sorry, [Felix manages between sniffles, curling slightly into Dimitri's chest as he fists his hands into the sheets, his knuckles brushing past Dimitri's skin when he does so.]
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You have not done anything you need to apologize for.
[Slightly pink, he starts to card his fingers through Felix's hair, an attempt at reassurance.]
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Or is it? Felix isn't sure if he wants to dare to hope otherwise, but all the same, the reality is that he had abandoned Dimitri, hadn't tried hard enough to stop him or listen to him during the time he needed someone the most. If Felix just reached out as early as now back then and never left, would Dimitri have turned out the way he did...? It's a little hard to say, though the guilt eating at his heart seems to say things would have been different if so.]
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[More than he can say, in ways he shouldn't be. He's thankful that Felix's face is hidden from sight. Dimitri continues to gently stroke Felix's hair, praying he can't feel the beating of his heart.]
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Would his answer be the same? Would it change? Both are terrifying prospects to behold, not that his crying fit allows him to say or ask them anyway. Still, with Dimitri's comforting touch and presence, his sobs eventually slow to hiccups, and his tears dry for the most part as they usually do when he lets Dimitri's steady heartbeat be his guide.
...Except it really isn't steady at this point, an observation that causes Felix's heavy heart to skip a beat. The blasted thing. There really isn't any other way to interpret how Dimitri is taking to their proximity, is there?]
I... don't deserve this...
[Is all Felix manages listlessly, still curling against Dimitri despite the wrongness of it all, regret still heavy in his chest.]
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What is it you do not deserve, exactly? My friendship? That is not a matter of "deserving". Whether you want it or not, it is yours.
[But ah, that sure is a feeling Dimitri intimately understands. How strange, for Felix to voice a thought like that.]
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Dimitri is alive. Wonderfully so. This is the reality he wanted, yet it feels so wrong to indulge in this. Like stealing away into his father's storeroom of prized weaponry to marvel at the heirlooms he could only dream of wielding when he was young, this moment is painted with a childish effervescence streaked by shame, the fact drying upon his still tear-streaked face as he takes a while to calm his breathing.]
Why...
[Comes the start of a raw question, punctuated by a short hiccup that doesn't stop the rest of it coming:]
You could have extended it to someone else. Why insist on giving it to me?
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...I tried to not care, you know. It seemed like it would be so much easier, like you would be happier if you changed classes and we never had to speak outside of matters related to the kingdom again. But I couldn't do it. It was... the same for you, was it not? You saw what I have become, so you tried to not care.
[But he does anyway. They both do, whether they like it or not.]
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Despite his sorrow, Felix colors anyway as he blinks back the remnants of tears, swallowing before he responds and curls his fingers slightly inwards.]
It's impossible.
[Can Dimitri feel how fast his heart is beating too? Does he know how Felix is trying his best not to look up, afraid of what he might do should he meet Dimitri's gaze? Given his physical state anyway, there really isn't much he could do to resist the temptation to remain close, so here he is, excusing all of these indulgences as if it would ease any of the guilt he feels about it.]
I couldn't bear it, yet...
[He really is hopeless, isn't he? Hopelessly in love just as much as this Dimitri seems to be...]
...I'm still here.
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[Dimitri takes a deep breath, shuddering.]
That night... at first, it was not so bad. But when they started to get desperate and set that fire, it was like I was back in Duscur again. And then I looked at you, and the thought of watching you burn too just —
[How embarrassing, getting all choked up just remembering it. Dimitri grips Felix's hand a little too tightly, just enough to hurt.]
I knew I would not survive losing you, too.
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A frustrated sob claws its way out of his throat, his eyes stinging with tears anew. Part of Felix knew, of course. That at the end of the day, Dimitri just wanted to return home. To Felix, to Rodrigue. To Dedue, to the Kingdom. Yet Felix let terror and harsh realities overcome that thought, pushed far into the back of his mind as he watched the beast that had taken over the friend he thought he knew.]
I can't either.
[Not when his heart still aches at the way he clearly remembers his reality without Dimitri, not when he knows he'll never stop yearning for Dimitri even when his mind tells him he's better off forgetting.]
Not when I...
[...love you, but Felix purposely bites those words down, aware of crossing a point of no return should he utter those words he has no right to admit.]
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[Felix is crying again. It's not at all what Dimitri intended, though he sees in retrospect how saying something like that is upsetting. Why is it that he seems to keep hurting Felix when he wants the opposite? Gritting his teeth, Dimitri forces himself to loosen his grip on his hand, gently stroking his skin with his thumb instead of squeezing the life out of it.]
I apologize. I should not have brought up a topic like that right now.
[It just slipped out, the logical next step in his train of thought. Thinking about Felix, about how he can't seem to let him go — and about how Felix can't let go either. About why he might want to let go.]
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Or so it seems then. It feels like an eternity, but minutes later, his crying fit slows down once more, leaving behind a hollow gap in his chest once it ends for the most part.]
I'm... so pathetic, [Felix says in a hoarse whisper foreign to his ears, letting out a shaky exhale afterwards.]
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I am as well. I always seem to fumble around you... it is easy to pretend with everyone else, but...
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Swallowing, Felix resolves to look up from where he's hiding, his eyes on Dimitri's face.]
...I don't want you to pretend, [Felix says slowly, mouth dry as he licks his lips in anxiety, willing himself to keep his gaze steady despite the wild beating of his heart.]
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Felix...
[Goddess, he wants to kiss him. It would be wrong, wouldn't it? Or at the very least, it would be a bad idea with him still hurt so badly. Dimitri bites down on his lower lip in an attempt to regain some clarity, leaving visible marks from his teeth.]
...then I won't pretend with you.
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Now, he just selfishly wishes to remain close. No, even closer, inching closer as he watches Dimitri with parted lips, drawn to him by an unseen force.]
Promise me.
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It's too late. No matter how wrong they might be, there's no running away from his feelings or Dimitri's and the way they percieve each other in that respect. It's every bit sweet as it is bitter, a taste Felix finds sour in his mouth, painful to swallow as it is to acknowledge as a matter of fact.
How is he supposed to protect Dimitri when it's so easy for him to succumb to temptation like this? A temptation he unabashedly enjoys and sighs against as his fingers curl next to Dimitri's chest, his body sinking into it faster than his mind could keep up with.]
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He does regret not pulling the sheet over his lower half as well, though. Warmth is quickly pooling in his belly, the result of which is easily visible without his jacket in the way. At least Felix can't twist enough to look at it for now.]
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