[Lose them? It takes a bit for Felix to process that, then to realize that he just said his thoughts out loud, then to remember how viciously he had shut out Dimitri after quelling that western rebellion.
He knows better now, but Dimitri's refusal still has Felix sucking in a breath, horrified at the prospect of Dimitri losing himself to his ghosts like he did before.]
They're...
[...better than I'll ever be.
After all, they were the ones that stuck with Dimitri until the bitter end. Or Sylvain would have, if he had not decided to join the Black Eagles as well, no doubt now, at Dimitri's behest.
But again, the words are stuck in his throat, despite Felix's willingness to voice out that guilt-ridden sentiment. Why...?
Fingers curling, Felix swallows, yet the heaviness in his throat does not ease one bit, the words still not forming themselves as Felix tries to force them out. Even as his heart aches, burning with the urge to apologize for how wrong he's been, how he should have stayed by Dimitri's side this whole while.
Frustration builds within him, clawing at his chest as heat spreads to his nose, tears starting to prickle at his eyes in lieu of those words he could not say.]
[Telling him not to worry and then being brought to tears not even ten minutes afterward is absurd. It has him aching to see, sick to his stomach. This time, Dimitri is slow and careful as he attempts to sit up, but Felix stops him anyway. Dimitri clasps his hand once it's in range, his touch slightly cool instead of hot like it typically is.]
I only ever seem to hurt you, [he murmurs, looking for a moment as if he might cry himself. But he shoves it down along with the rest of his unpleasant emotions, leaving it to simmer beneath the surface.]
[There's less resolve behind the way Felix pushes Dimitri back, and even less when it comes to resisting the hand that comes to grasp his. Powerless to stop it or the tears that continue to flow, Felix just squeezes Dimitri's hand, shaking his head as he gives in to the swell of emotion consuming him.
Not trusting words at all, Felix just moves to clasp Dimitri's hand with his other too, lowering his head as he lifts it to press to his forehead, crying his heartache all the while.
At being unable to save Dimitri, and for loving him only when it's too late.]
[He understands the meaning behind that head shake, that Felix is trying to say he doesn't hurt him. But he so clearly does. He hears Manuela moving, hears the sound of her footsteps and the gentle click of the door closing, but he can't bring himself to tear his gaze away from Felix. How is it that those tears can utterly crush his heart and be nostalgic at the same time? Dimitri turns his hand so that his palm rests against Felix's face, stretching his arm out to cup his cheek properly. The wetness of his tears briefly sparks his rage, has him wondering who hurt Felix like this — but the combined factors of blood loss and exhaustion allow him to quell it quickly, and the touch of his thumb is gentle as he wipes at the trails his tears leave behind.]
[Dimitri's supposed to be the one that needs taking care of, Yet, despite his injuries, he still bothers reaching out, comforting Felix as if it were the most natural thing in the world.
Maybe it really is. A contrast to how Felix is the worst possible person for... whatever this is. Setting things right? Letting him tread this cursed path again just to drive home how much he's lost in the course of his terrible decisions?
He isn't sure. Not when everything he does seems to result into more regrets and pain.
Eventually, Felix's tears slow to a trickle, and after a sniffle, he pours in some effort into wiping away the tears that Dimitri couldn't get to.]
Will you... stay at my room once you're released? [Felix asks quietly, going back to clasping Dimitri's hand.]
[At first, Dimitri thinks he must have heard him wrong. Felix hasn't asked him to come sleep with him in years — of course, he hasn't cried like this in years, either. He holds his breath for a few seconds, as if exhaling might shatter the moment. But when he breathes out, Felix is still there, hanging his head and grasping his hand.
He's missed him. He's missed him terribly, but he still thinks he would prefer it if Felix were angry with him if it meant he would be all right. Some small, guilty part of him whispers that that isn't true, and he squashes it like he does everything else he doesn't have the time or energy to tend to. If he lets it leak out, he's not sure he'll be able to keep going.]
A sleepover? [he asks, gently squeezing his hand.]
[Felix manages a nod, satisfied with the line of reasoning Dimitri comes up with. He... still doesn't know why he made the offer, really--is it for him? For Dimitri? A strange desire to change things and see if they can truly lead to a different path?
Whatever the case is, it has him squeezing Dimitri's hand in turn, waiting with bated breath for his answer.]
Of course. Though... I may have to have you drag my mattress. I am supposed to avoid strenuous activity for a few days, and I probably should not sleep directly on the floor, either.
[He would also be perfectly happy in Felix's bed, but there's no way he's going to even hint at that. This is plenty, asking for more feels horribly greedy.]
[Felix had braced himself for that much, at least.]
Or I can just...
[The other, more practical option, however, is not, and has his cheeks burning warm against Dimitri's hand, which he gently drops for the moment in favor of averting his gaze.]
[Thinking of his own room has Dimitri remembering an unfortunate reality, though, one that didn't occur to him at the thought of sleeping in Felix's room. He lets his arm rest on the bed again, glancing away as well.]
...I cannot promise I will be good company, though. I sometimes have... sleep disturbances.
[Nightmares, and he knows Felix must know about them, but he's still going to avoid calling them what they are.]
I figured that you must, I just... wanted to be sure you did not forget.
[Because he forgot, even if only for a moment. Isn't that something? Dimitri rubs his eyes, finding his injuries and lack of sleep to be finally catching up with him now that he's a little less on edge. He wants to go to sleep, but he's slightly afraid to.]
May I make a request?
[Dimitri stares at the wall, some color returning to his face due to embarrassment. Thankfully, the blood loss means he doesn't properly blush.]
[Forgetting is an impossibility, especially with the way Felix is now.
But Felix refrains from saying so, instead concentrating on Dimitri's next few words, foregoing his own embarrassment in favor of studying Dimitri's expression with some mild curiosity.]
[Pathetic as it is, he feels like he might be able to, now. Goddess, is this how Felix used to feel asking him to come sleep in his bed? It's no wonder he was in tears half the time. Despite the blood loss, he's pretty sure his face must be a little pink.]
[That right there is the last thing Felix expected to hear, eyes wide as saucers when he meets Dimitri's completely serious gaze.
And well, pink cheeks.]
...Sure.
[Felix's cheeks mirror that blush, realizing what he just said and agreed to. Goddess, what is he even thinking?! They're... hardly children any more, yet...
This was how Felix chased away those nightmares too, wasn't it? By crawling into Dimitri or Glenn's bed, crying himself to sleep until tiredness would overtake him.
But hopefully this would be less tearful and more restful for Dimitri, especially with what he needs to recover from. Adjusting his chair slightly, Felix moves to scoot closer, laying his hands tentatively on the side of the bed, available in case Dimitri wanted to reach out for them.]
[Even though he'd been completely serious asking him, even though Felix asked him to stay over when he gets out of here, he still kind of expected him to refuse. That he doesn't startles that sad puppy look off his face, and when he looks at Felix's hands on the bed, he actually smiles, be it ever so slight. It reaches his eyes, though, so that's certainly something.
Taking Felix's hand because Felix is upset is one thing, doing it entirely for himself is another. Dimitri does place his hand right next to his, close enough that the edges touch, but he doesn't actually properly grab on.]
Thank you, [he murmurs, closing his eyes both in an attempt to try and sleep and to spare himself from having to see Felix's reaction.]
[The heat spread across his face doesn't fade even when Dimitri closes his eyes, especially when the smile Dimitri gives him causes Felix's heart to flutter, stomach flopping oddly at the rather genuine gesture far from the fake front Dimitri prefers to put up. It's a look that suits Dimitri more, but hell if Felix is about to admit that.
So he settles for keeping his promise, waiting for Dimitri to fall asleep.
---
It takes three days later for Dimitri to be released from the infirmary, but even then, it comes with the caveat of him not being allowed to strain himself. Droves of people surround Dimitri at each turn, more than eager to help out their dear prince, a fact that Felix still can't help but roll his eyes at, especially when it's accompanied by that mostly fake princely smile Dimitri likes to wear.
Between that and Felix's own classes, there isn't really any opportunity for Felix to catch Dimitri alone, just to confirm that he had not forgotten about their agreement. It almost seems that way to Felix in all honesty, so it's with some hesitation that he grabs his bedroll and knocks at Dimitri's door that evening, frowning slightly at it.]
[It's exhausting, being fussed over so much. It was like this after Duscur, too — people fretting at him for every little thing while he recovered, falling over themselves to try and anticipate his needs. He hated it then, and he hates it just as much now. He smiles for everyone anyway, wanting to put them at ease. By the end of the day, he just feels numb.
But he hasn't forgotten. Why is it that he's looking forward to this when all the fussing from everyone else is putting him on edge? Maybe it's because of the way Felix initially asked him, asking for Dimitri to stay with him rather than saying he would stay with Dimitri. It makes it feel more genuine, though he doesn't doubt Felix would downplay it if he were to bring it up now. He'll have changed into his nightclothes by the time Felix knocks, nursing a cup of tea while he goes over classwork that he missed. He seems rather shy as he opens the door, offering up that same tiny smile.]
Come in. I was just trying to catch up on some class work.
[Mentally preparing himself for an "I'm busy" rejection, or perhaps no one being there at all, Dimitri remembering comes as a bit of a surprise. Once he gets a hold of his expression, Felix pushes the unlocked door open, taking a step inside. He leaves his bedroll by an empty corner, a hand on his hip as he shakes his head slightly.]
I'll get my night clothes. I won't be long.
[And Felix isn't, grabbing them in record time before he locks the door to his own room and ducking into Dimitri's for good.]
Do you need help with it? [Felix asks as he begins to unfurl his bedroll, spreading it flat across the floor by Dimitri's bed.]
[He'll have the pot of tea heating again despite how quickly Felix leaves and comes back, but the papers are all neatly tucked away. He gives Felix a bit of an odd look, shaking his head after a moment.]
I would imagine our curriculum is different, is it not? I will have plenty of time to catch up since I am not permitted on the training grounds for the next week.
[It's not just him trying to soothe any worries, either: Dimitri spends a lot of time training, and he knows Felix knows it.]
[Is that the sound of Felix airing out his blanket a little too hard? Indeed it is. After a sharp snapping sound, Felix lets it fall back down, turning his back towards Dimitri as he kneels on it and starts to untie his hair.]
I just don't want to owe you anything.
[Considering he's to blame for Dimitri's lack of sleep...]
[Dimitri looks a little baffled for a moment, but then he shakes his head.]
You do not owe me anything, Felix. Professor Manuela is...
[A bit of a dick crazy drunk, but he's too polite to say that.]
...nice, but she lacks in the areas you wish to study. I do not resent you for it. Unless you are referring to the expectations of our families? I would not ask you to devote your life to something you don't believe in.
[Felix's hair falls loosely around his face and shoulders, and as if that weren't distracting enough, he starts undressing, too. Why?! Wouldn't he just have changed in his own room? Is he planning on not wearing anything to sleep? Goddess preserve him, he wouldn't be able to survive that. Dimitri might valiantly stamp down any inappropriate feelings he has for Felix considering the sorry state of their friendship, but all the denial in the world can't protect him from at least acknowledging that he's... pretty. Dimitri quickly shuffles over to the teapot, clearing his throat.]
[Unbuttoning his shirt helps a bit, though not by much. Once he shrugs it off, he wastes no time in donning his nightshirt and folding up his discarded clothing for wearing again the next day. He'll still have to take off his pants, but Dimitri's question distracts him from the task, and he tilts his head to give him a level glance.]
Sure, I'll get it later.
[Is... Dimitri embarrassed? How strange, they have changed in front of each other quite a number of times...]
...What's the matter?
[Or maybe it's something else, and he's reading this wrong.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
cynicfelixity) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
amewsbox2020-01-09 12:53 pm
no subject
He knows better now, but Dimitri's refusal still has Felix sucking in a breath, horrified at the prospect of Dimitri losing himself to his ghosts like he did before.]
They're...
[...better than I'll ever be.
After all, they were the ones that stuck with Dimitri until the bitter end. Or Sylvain would have, if he had not decided to join the Black Eagles as well, no doubt now, at Dimitri's behest.
But again, the words are stuck in his throat, despite Felix's willingness to voice out that guilt-ridden sentiment. Why...?
Fingers curling, Felix swallows, yet the heaviness in his throat does not ease one bit, the words still not forming themselves as Felix tries to force them out. Even as his heart aches, burning with the urge to apologize for how wrong he's been, how he should have stayed by Dimitri's side this whole while.
Frustration builds within him, clawing at his chest as heat spreads to his nose, tears starting to prickle at his eyes in lieu of those words he could not say.]
no subject
I only ever seem to hurt you, [he murmurs, looking for a moment as if he might cry himself. But he shoves it down along with the rest of his unpleasant emotions, leaving it to simmer beneath the surface.]
no subject
Not trusting words at all, Felix just moves to clasp Dimitri's hand with his other too, lowering his head as he lifts it to press to his forehead, crying his heartache all the while.
At being unable to save Dimitri, and for loving him only when it's too late.]
no subject
no subject
Maybe it really is. A contrast to how Felix is the worst possible person for... whatever this is. Setting things right? Letting him tread this cursed path again just to drive home how much he's lost in the course of his terrible decisions?
He isn't sure. Not when everything he does seems to result into more regrets and pain.
Eventually, Felix's tears slow to a trickle, and after a sniffle, he pours in some effort into wiping away the tears that Dimitri couldn't get to.]
Will you... stay at my room once you're released? [Felix asks quietly, going back to clasping Dimitri's hand.]
no subject
He's missed him. He's missed him terribly, but he still thinks he would prefer it if Felix were angry with him if it meant he would be all right. Some small, guilty part of him whispers that that isn't true, and he squashes it like he does everything else he doesn't have the time or energy to tend to. If he lets it leak out, he's not sure he'll be able to keep going.]
A sleepover? [he asks, gently squeezing his hand.]
no subject
Whatever the case is, it has him squeezing Dimitri's hand in turn, waiting with bated breath for his answer.]
no subject
[He would also be perfectly happy in Felix's bed, but there's no way he's going to even hint at that. This is plenty, asking for more feels horribly greedy.]
no subject
[Felix had braced himself for that much, at least.]
Or I can just...
[The other, more practical option, however, is not, and has his cheeks burning warm against Dimitri's hand, which he gently drops for the moment in favor of averting his gaze.]
...stay over at yours.
no subject
[Thinking of his own room has Dimitri remembering an unfortunate reality, though, one that didn't occur to him at the thought of sleeping in Felix's room. He lets his arm rest on the bed again, glancing away as well.]
...I cannot promise I will be good company, though. I sometimes have... sleep disturbances.
[Nightmares, and he knows Felix must know about them, but he's still going to avoid calling them what they are.]
no subject
He goes back to folding his arms, sighing.]
It's not going to be any different from sleeping in a room next to you.
no subject
[Because he forgot, even if only for a moment. Isn't that something? Dimitri rubs his eyes, finding his injuries and lack of sleep to be finally catching up with him now that he's a little less on edge. He wants to go to sleep, but he's slightly afraid to.]
May I make a request?
[Dimitri stares at the wall, some color returning to his face due to embarrassment. Thankfully, the blood loss means he doesn't properly blush.]
no subject
But Felix refrains from saying so, instead concentrating on Dimitri's next few words, foregoing his own embarrassment in favor of studying Dimitri's expression with some mild curiosity.]
Yes?
no subject
[Pathetic as it is, he feels like he might be able to, now. Goddess, is this how Felix used to feel asking him to come sleep in his bed? It's no wonder he was in tears half the time. Despite the blood loss, he's pretty sure his face must be a little pink.]
no subject
And well, pink cheeks.]
...Sure.
[Felix's cheeks mirror that blush, realizing what he just said and agreed to. Goddess, what is he even thinking?! They're... hardly children any more, yet...
This was how Felix chased away those nightmares too, wasn't it? By crawling into Dimitri or Glenn's bed, crying himself to sleep until tiredness would overtake him.
But hopefully this would be less tearful and more restful for Dimitri, especially with what he needs to recover from. Adjusting his chair slightly, Felix moves to scoot closer, laying his hands tentatively on the side of the bed, available in case Dimitri wanted to reach out for them.]
no subject
Taking Felix's hand because Felix is upset is one thing, doing it entirely for himself is another. Dimitri does place his hand right next to his, close enough that the edges touch, but he doesn't actually properly grab on.]
Thank you, [he murmurs, closing his eyes both in an attempt to try and sleep and to spare himself from having to see Felix's reaction.]
no subject
So he settles for keeping his promise, waiting for Dimitri to fall asleep.
---
It takes three days later for Dimitri to be released from the infirmary, but even then, it comes with the caveat of him not being allowed to strain himself. Droves of people surround Dimitri at each turn, more than eager to help out their dear prince, a fact that Felix still can't help but roll his eyes at, especially when it's accompanied by that mostly fake princely smile Dimitri likes to wear.
Between that and Felix's own classes, there isn't really any opportunity for Felix to catch Dimitri alone, just to confirm that he had not forgotten about their agreement. It almost seems that way to Felix in all honesty, so it's with some hesitation that he grabs his bedroll and knocks at Dimitri's door that evening, frowning slightly at it.]
It's me.
no subject
But he hasn't forgotten. Why is it that he's looking forward to this when all the fussing from everyone else is putting him on edge? Maybe it's because of the way Felix initially asked him, asking for Dimitri to stay with him rather than saying he would stay with Dimitri. It makes it feel more genuine, though he doesn't doubt Felix would downplay it if he were to bring it up now. He'll have changed into his nightclothes by the time Felix knocks, nursing a cup of tea while he goes over classwork that he missed. He seems rather shy as he opens the door, offering up that same tiny smile.]
Come in. I was just trying to catch up on some class work.
no subject
I'll get my night clothes. I won't be long.
[And Felix isn't, grabbing them in record time before he locks the door to his own room and ducking into Dimitri's for good.]
Do you need help with it? [Felix asks as he begins to unfurl his bedroll, spreading it flat across the floor by Dimitri's bed.]
no subject
I would imagine our curriculum is different, is it not? I will have plenty of time to catch up since I am not permitted on the training grounds for the next week.
[It's not just him trying to soothe any worries, either: Dimitri spends a lot of time training, and he knows Felix knows it.]
no subject
I just don't want to owe you anything.
[Considering he's to blame for Dimitri's lack of sleep...]
no subject
[Dimitri looks a little baffled for a moment, but then he shakes his head.]
You do not owe me anything, Felix. Professor Manuela is...
[A bit of a dick crazy drunk, but he's too polite to say that.]
...nice, but she lacks in the areas you wish to study. I do not resent you for it. Unless you are referring to the expectations of our families? I would not ask you to devote your life to something you don't believe in.
[Or someone.]
no subject
...Quit drawing baseless assumptions.
[For however, well, not baseless they actually are. Felix certainly made no secret of some feelings at this point in time...
Sighing, he begins to work on his shirt next, fingers flying over the buttons as he uses the action to try and regain some semblance of cool.]
no subject
Would you like a cup?
no subject
Sure, I'll get it later.
[Is... Dimitri embarrassed? How strange, they have changed in front of each other quite a number of times...]
...What's the matter?
[Or maybe it's something else, and he's reading this wrong.]
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)