[Felix only recognizes a split second later that he spoke the sentiment out loud, and coupled with the way he reflexively glances at the source of his surprise, it makes for an awkward scene as he hurries to tear his gaze away from Dimitri once more.]
I...
[Felix's nails dig into his own shoulders, unsure of what to say next. It's true though, isn't it? That's the main difference here, with Felix, of all things, crying in front of Dimitri instead of scoffing at him for not knowing why he changed houses...
Is this why he was sent all the way back in time? To see if he could change things...?
Well, whoever it was that did it has a sick sense of humor. If it were a few days sooner, then they could have avoided this whole mess that Felix is trapped in.]
...there's nothing to be worried about, [Felix mutters.] Quit overthinking things.
[Of course, Felix held no illusions that Dimitri would take his word for it. He hasn't cried in front of Dimitri in like... more than five years now, perhaps. When Glenn passed away...]
...Just take my word for it.
[Felix exhales, continuing in a softer tone, almost pleading:]
Please.
[How is he supposed to explain the circumstances anyway? That he's somehow gone back in time for purposes unknown, floundering around this reality in confusion before realizing all his actions have very much real and different consequences?]
[The shift in tone gets his attention, though truthfully, it makes him worry all the more. Dimitri clutches his blanket, biting back his response. When he finally speaks, he sounds weary, defeated.]
All right, Felix. I know why you want nothing to do with me anymore, but please — please do not push Ingrid and Sylvain away as well. If I know you all have each other, this will not be so difficult.
Felix's eyes widen, shaking his head. Nothing could be further from the truth, the reality that Felix only came to terms with when it was all too late.]
I... won't.
[Not that Sylvain or Ingrid can do anything about this anyway. But for the sake of Dimitri's peace of mind, he'll make some minor concessions. It's not like Sylvain and Ingrid are about to stop fussing anyway, with the latter due to check up on him soon if things are slated to go down the way they did the last time.]
But only... if you stop shutting people out.
[If they took care of Dimitri earlier... would they have been able to prevent the worst of what's to come? Only half-realizing he whispered those thoughts out loud, Felix loses himself in his thoughts, wondering if he should actually voice them out...]
[At first he puts on that smile of his at Felix's concession, that false smile hiding a pressurized chamber of rage. But then Felix adds on a condition, and it feels like his heart leaps into his throat with terror. It's not like he wants to shut people out, but he doesn't have the right to mingle too much with the living. That's the reason he usually falls back on at least, though it's not the only one. Knowing Felix, he won't find that answer acceptable.]
I can't, [he says, voice scarcely above a whisper.]
...I'm sorry. I cannot lose them too. I just can't.
[If Felix turned away after truly seeing him, then anyone would.]
[Lose them? It takes a bit for Felix to process that, then to realize that he just said his thoughts out loud, then to remember how viciously he had shut out Dimitri after quelling that western rebellion.
He knows better now, but Dimitri's refusal still has Felix sucking in a breath, horrified at the prospect of Dimitri losing himself to his ghosts like he did before.]
They're...
[...better than I'll ever be.
After all, they were the ones that stuck with Dimitri until the bitter end. Or Sylvain would have, if he had not decided to join the Black Eagles as well, no doubt now, at Dimitri's behest.
But again, the words are stuck in his throat, despite Felix's willingness to voice out that guilt-ridden sentiment. Why...?
Fingers curling, Felix swallows, yet the heaviness in his throat does not ease one bit, the words still not forming themselves as Felix tries to force them out. Even as his heart aches, burning with the urge to apologize for how wrong he's been, how he should have stayed by Dimitri's side this whole while.
Frustration builds within him, clawing at his chest as heat spreads to his nose, tears starting to prickle at his eyes in lieu of those words he could not say.]
[Telling him not to worry and then being brought to tears not even ten minutes afterward is absurd. It has him aching to see, sick to his stomach. This time, Dimitri is slow and careful as he attempts to sit up, but Felix stops him anyway. Dimitri clasps his hand once it's in range, his touch slightly cool instead of hot like it typically is.]
I only ever seem to hurt you, [he murmurs, looking for a moment as if he might cry himself. But he shoves it down along with the rest of his unpleasant emotions, leaving it to simmer beneath the surface.]
[There's less resolve behind the way Felix pushes Dimitri back, and even less when it comes to resisting the hand that comes to grasp his. Powerless to stop it or the tears that continue to flow, Felix just squeezes Dimitri's hand, shaking his head as he gives in to the swell of emotion consuming him.
Not trusting words at all, Felix just moves to clasp Dimitri's hand with his other too, lowering his head as he lifts it to press to his forehead, crying his heartache all the while.
At being unable to save Dimitri, and for loving him only when it's too late.]
[He understands the meaning behind that head shake, that Felix is trying to say he doesn't hurt him. But he so clearly does. He hears Manuela moving, hears the sound of her footsteps and the gentle click of the door closing, but he can't bring himself to tear his gaze away from Felix. How is it that those tears can utterly crush his heart and be nostalgic at the same time? Dimitri turns his hand so that his palm rests against Felix's face, stretching his arm out to cup his cheek properly. The wetness of his tears briefly sparks his rage, has him wondering who hurt Felix like this — but the combined factors of blood loss and exhaustion allow him to quell it quickly, and the touch of his thumb is gentle as he wipes at the trails his tears leave behind.]
[Dimitri's supposed to be the one that needs taking care of, Yet, despite his injuries, he still bothers reaching out, comforting Felix as if it were the most natural thing in the world.
Maybe it really is. A contrast to how Felix is the worst possible person for... whatever this is. Setting things right? Letting him tread this cursed path again just to drive home how much he's lost in the course of his terrible decisions?
He isn't sure. Not when everything he does seems to result into more regrets and pain.
Eventually, Felix's tears slow to a trickle, and after a sniffle, he pours in some effort into wiping away the tears that Dimitri couldn't get to.]
Will you... stay at my room once you're released? [Felix asks quietly, going back to clasping Dimitri's hand.]
[At first, Dimitri thinks he must have heard him wrong. Felix hasn't asked him to come sleep with him in years — of course, he hasn't cried like this in years, either. He holds his breath for a few seconds, as if exhaling might shatter the moment. But when he breathes out, Felix is still there, hanging his head and grasping his hand.
He's missed him. He's missed him terribly, but he still thinks he would prefer it if Felix were angry with him if it meant he would be all right. Some small, guilty part of him whispers that that isn't true, and he squashes it like he does everything else he doesn't have the time or energy to tend to. If he lets it leak out, he's not sure he'll be able to keep going.]
A sleepover? [he asks, gently squeezing his hand.]
[Felix manages a nod, satisfied with the line of reasoning Dimitri comes up with. He... still doesn't know why he made the offer, really--is it for him? For Dimitri? A strange desire to change things and see if they can truly lead to a different path?
Whatever the case is, it has him squeezing Dimitri's hand in turn, waiting with bated breath for his answer.]
Of course. Though... I may have to have you drag my mattress. I am supposed to avoid strenuous activity for a few days, and I probably should not sleep directly on the floor, either.
[He would also be perfectly happy in Felix's bed, but there's no way he's going to even hint at that. This is plenty, asking for more feels horribly greedy.]
[Felix had braced himself for that much, at least.]
Or I can just...
[The other, more practical option, however, is not, and has his cheeks burning warm against Dimitri's hand, which he gently drops for the moment in favor of averting his gaze.]
[Thinking of his own room has Dimitri remembering an unfortunate reality, though, one that didn't occur to him at the thought of sleeping in Felix's room. He lets his arm rest on the bed again, glancing away as well.]
...I cannot promise I will be good company, though. I sometimes have... sleep disturbances.
[Nightmares, and he knows Felix must know about them, but he's still going to avoid calling them what they are.]
I figured that you must, I just... wanted to be sure you did not forget.
[Because he forgot, even if only for a moment. Isn't that something? Dimitri rubs his eyes, finding his injuries and lack of sleep to be finally catching up with him now that he's a little less on edge. He wants to go to sleep, but he's slightly afraid to.]
May I make a request?
[Dimitri stares at the wall, some color returning to his face due to embarrassment. Thankfully, the blood loss means he doesn't properly blush.]
[Forgetting is an impossibility, especially with the way Felix is now.
But Felix refrains from saying so, instead concentrating on Dimitri's next few words, foregoing his own embarrassment in favor of studying Dimitri's expression with some mild curiosity.]
[Pathetic as it is, he feels like he might be able to, now. Goddess, is this how Felix used to feel asking him to come sleep in his bed? It's no wonder he was in tears half the time. Despite the blood loss, he's pretty sure his face must be a little pink.]
[That right there is the last thing Felix expected to hear, eyes wide as saucers when he meets Dimitri's completely serious gaze.
And well, pink cheeks.]
...Sure.
[Felix's cheeks mirror that blush, realizing what he just said and agreed to. Goddess, what is he even thinking?! They're... hardly children any more, yet...
This was how Felix chased away those nightmares too, wasn't it? By crawling into Dimitri or Glenn's bed, crying himself to sleep until tiredness would overtake him.
But hopefully this would be less tearful and more restful for Dimitri, especially with what he needs to recover from. Adjusting his chair slightly, Felix moves to scoot closer, laying his hands tentatively on the side of the bed, available in case Dimitri wanted to reach out for them.]
[Even though he'd been completely serious asking him, even though Felix asked him to stay over when he gets out of here, he still kind of expected him to refuse. That he doesn't startles that sad puppy look off his face, and when he looks at Felix's hands on the bed, he actually smiles, be it ever so slight. It reaches his eyes, though, so that's certainly something.
Taking Felix's hand because Felix is upset is one thing, doing it entirely for himself is another. Dimitri does place his hand right next to his, close enough that the edges touch, but he doesn't actually properly grab on.]
Thank you, [he murmurs, closing his eyes both in an attempt to try and sleep and to spare himself from having to see Felix's reaction.]
[The heat spread across his face doesn't fade even when Dimitri closes his eyes, especially when the smile Dimitri gives him causes Felix's heart to flutter, stomach flopping oddly at the rather genuine gesture far from the fake front Dimitri prefers to put up. It's a look that suits Dimitri more, but hell if Felix is about to admit that.
So he settles for keeping his promise, waiting for Dimitri to fall asleep.
---
It takes three days later for Dimitri to be released from the infirmary, but even then, it comes with the caveat of him not being allowed to strain himself. Droves of people surround Dimitri at each turn, more than eager to help out their dear prince, a fact that Felix still can't help but roll his eyes at, especially when it's accompanied by that mostly fake princely smile Dimitri likes to wear.
Between that and Felix's own classes, there isn't really any opportunity for Felix to catch Dimitri alone, just to confirm that he had not forgotten about their agreement. It almost seems that way to Felix in all honesty, so it's with some hesitation that he grabs his bedroll and knocks at Dimitri's door that evening, frowning slightly at it.]
[It's exhausting, being fussed over so much. It was like this after Duscur, too — people fretting at him for every little thing while he recovered, falling over themselves to try and anticipate his needs. He hated it then, and he hates it just as much now. He smiles for everyone anyway, wanting to put them at ease. By the end of the day, he just feels numb.
But he hasn't forgotten. Why is it that he's looking forward to this when all the fussing from everyone else is putting him on edge? Maybe it's because of the way Felix initially asked him, asking for Dimitri to stay with him rather than saying he would stay with Dimitri. It makes it feel more genuine, though he doesn't doubt Felix would downplay it if he were to bring it up now. He'll have changed into his nightclothes by the time Felix knocks, nursing a cup of tea while he goes over classwork that he missed. He seems rather shy as he opens the door, offering up that same tiny smile.]
Come in. I was just trying to catch up on some class work.
[Mentally preparing himself for an "I'm busy" rejection, or perhaps no one being there at all, Dimitri remembering comes as a bit of a surprise. Once he gets a hold of his expression, Felix pushes the unlocked door open, taking a step inside. He leaves his bedroll by an empty corner, a hand on his hip as he shakes his head slightly.]
I'll get my night clothes. I won't be long.
[And Felix isn't, grabbing them in record time before he locks the door to his own room and ducking into Dimitri's for good.]
Do you need help with it? [Felix asks as he begins to unfurl his bedroll, spreading it flat across the floor by Dimitri's bed.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
cynicfelixity) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
amewsbox2020-01-09 12:53 pm
no subject
[Felix only recognizes a split second later that he spoke the sentiment out loud, and coupled with the way he reflexively glances at the source of his surprise, it makes for an awkward scene as he hurries to tear his gaze away from Dimitri once more.]
I...
[Felix's nails dig into his own shoulders, unsure of what to say next. It's true though, isn't it? That's the main difference here, with Felix, of all things, crying in front of Dimitri instead of scoffing at him for not knowing why he changed houses...
Is this why he was sent all the way back in time? To see if he could change things...?
Well, whoever it was that did it has a sick sense of humor. If it were a few days sooner, then they could have avoided this whole mess that Felix is trapped in.]
...there's nothing to be worried about, [Felix mutters.] Quit overthinking things.
no subject
[Is he that dense? Dimitri's hand rises to pinch the bridge of his nose, that headache quickly getting worse.]
Surely even you can see why I would be concerned. You switched houses, you will not make eye contact with any of us, and you were —
[Manuela's listening, isn't she? He swallows the rest of the statement down.]
...you know. How could I possibly not be worried about you?
no subject
...Just take my word for it.
[Felix exhales, continuing in a softer tone, almost pleading:]
Please.
[How is he supposed to explain the circumstances anyway? That he's somehow gone back in time for purposes unknown, floundering around this reality in confusion before realizing all his actions have very much real and different consequences?]
no subject
All right, Felix. I know why you want nothing to do with me anymore, but please — please do not push Ingrid and Sylvain away as well. If I know you all have each other, this will not be so difficult.
no subject
Felix's eyes widen, shaking his head. Nothing could be further from the truth, the reality that Felix only came to terms with when it was all too late.]
I... won't.
[Not that Sylvain or Ingrid can do anything about this anyway. But for the sake of Dimitri's peace of mind, he'll make some minor concessions. It's not like Sylvain and Ingrid are about to stop fussing anyway, with the latter due to check up on him soon if things are slated to go down the way they did the last time.]
But only... if you stop shutting people out.
[If they took care of Dimitri earlier... would they have been able to prevent the worst of what's to come? Only half-realizing he whispered those thoughts out loud, Felix loses himself in his thoughts, wondering if he should actually voice them out...]
no subject
I can't, [he says, voice scarcely above a whisper.]
...I'm sorry. I cannot lose them too. I just can't.
[If Felix turned away after truly seeing him, then anyone would.]
no subject
He knows better now, but Dimitri's refusal still has Felix sucking in a breath, horrified at the prospect of Dimitri losing himself to his ghosts like he did before.]
They're...
[...better than I'll ever be.
After all, they were the ones that stuck with Dimitri until the bitter end. Or Sylvain would have, if he had not decided to join the Black Eagles as well, no doubt now, at Dimitri's behest.
But again, the words are stuck in his throat, despite Felix's willingness to voice out that guilt-ridden sentiment. Why...?
Fingers curling, Felix swallows, yet the heaviness in his throat does not ease one bit, the words still not forming themselves as Felix tries to force them out. Even as his heart aches, burning with the urge to apologize for how wrong he's been, how he should have stayed by Dimitri's side this whole while.
Frustration builds within him, clawing at his chest as heat spreads to his nose, tears starting to prickle at his eyes in lieu of those words he could not say.]
no subject
I only ever seem to hurt you, [he murmurs, looking for a moment as if he might cry himself. But he shoves it down along with the rest of his unpleasant emotions, leaving it to simmer beneath the surface.]
no subject
Not trusting words at all, Felix just moves to clasp Dimitri's hand with his other too, lowering his head as he lifts it to press to his forehead, crying his heartache all the while.
At being unable to save Dimitri, and for loving him only when it's too late.]
no subject
no subject
Maybe it really is. A contrast to how Felix is the worst possible person for... whatever this is. Setting things right? Letting him tread this cursed path again just to drive home how much he's lost in the course of his terrible decisions?
He isn't sure. Not when everything he does seems to result into more regrets and pain.
Eventually, Felix's tears slow to a trickle, and after a sniffle, he pours in some effort into wiping away the tears that Dimitri couldn't get to.]
Will you... stay at my room once you're released? [Felix asks quietly, going back to clasping Dimitri's hand.]
no subject
He's missed him. He's missed him terribly, but he still thinks he would prefer it if Felix were angry with him if it meant he would be all right. Some small, guilty part of him whispers that that isn't true, and he squashes it like he does everything else he doesn't have the time or energy to tend to. If he lets it leak out, he's not sure he'll be able to keep going.]
A sleepover? [he asks, gently squeezing his hand.]
no subject
Whatever the case is, it has him squeezing Dimitri's hand in turn, waiting with bated breath for his answer.]
no subject
[He would also be perfectly happy in Felix's bed, but there's no way he's going to even hint at that. This is plenty, asking for more feels horribly greedy.]
no subject
[Felix had braced himself for that much, at least.]
Or I can just...
[The other, more practical option, however, is not, and has his cheeks burning warm against Dimitri's hand, which he gently drops for the moment in favor of averting his gaze.]
...stay over at yours.
no subject
[Thinking of his own room has Dimitri remembering an unfortunate reality, though, one that didn't occur to him at the thought of sleeping in Felix's room. He lets his arm rest on the bed again, glancing away as well.]
...I cannot promise I will be good company, though. I sometimes have... sleep disturbances.
[Nightmares, and he knows Felix must know about them, but he's still going to avoid calling them what they are.]
no subject
He goes back to folding his arms, sighing.]
It's not going to be any different from sleeping in a room next to you.
no subject
[Because he forgot, even if only for a moment. Isn't that something? Dimitri rubs his eyes, finding his injuries and lack of sleep to be finally catching up with him now that he's a little less on edge. He wants to go to sleep, but he's slightly afraid to.]
May I make a request?
[Dimitri stares at the wall, some color returning to his face due to embarrassment. Thankfully, the blood loss means he doesn't properly blush.]
no subject
But Felix refrains from saying so, instead concentrating on Dimitri's next few words, foregoing his own embarrassment in favor of studying Dimitri's expression with some mild curiosity.]
Yes?
no subject
[Pathetic as it is, he feels like he might be able to, now. Goddess, is this how Felix used to feel asking him to come sleep in his bed? It's no wonder he was in tears half the time. Despite the blood loss, he's pretty sure his face must be a little pink.]
no subject
And well, pink cheeks.]
...Sure.
[Felix's cheeks mirror that blush, realizing what he just said and agreed to. Goddess, what is he even thinking?! They're... hardly children any more, yet...
This was how Felix chased away those nightmares too, wasn't it? By crawling into Dimitri or Glenn's bed, crying himself to sleep until tiredness would overtake him.
But hopefully this would be less tearful and more restful for Dimitri, especially with what he needs to recover from. Adjusting his chair slightly, Felix moves to scoot closer, laying his hands tentatively on the side of the bed, available in case Dimitri wanted to reach out for them.]
no subject
Taking Felix's hand because Felix is upset is one thing, doing it entirely for himself is another. Dimitri does place his hand right next to his, close enough that the edges touch, but he doesn't actually properly grab on.]
Thank you, [he murmurs, closing his eyes both in an attempt to try and sleep and to spare himself from having to see Felix's reaction.]
no subject
So he settles for keeping his promise, waiting for Dimitri to fall asleep.
---
It takes three days later for Dimitri to be released from the infirmary, but even then, it comes with the caveat of him not being allowed to strain himself. Droves of people surround Dimitri at each turn, more than eager to help out their dear prince, a fact that Felix still can't help but roll his eyes at, especially when it's accompanied by that mostly fake princely smile Dimitri likes to wear.
Between that and Felix's own classes, there isn't really any opportunity for Felix to catch Dimitri alone, just to confirm that he had not forgotten about their agreement. It almost seems that way to Felix in all honesty, so it's with some hesitation that he grabs his bedroll and knocks at Dimitri's door that evening, frowning slightly at it.]
It's me.
no subject
But he hasn't forgotten. Why is it that he's looking forward to this when all the fussing from everyone else is putting him on edge? Maybe it's because of the way Felix initially asked him, asking for Dimitri to stay with him rather than saying he would stay with Dimitri. It makes it feel more genuine, though he doesn't doubt Felix would downplay it if he were to bring it up now. He'll have changed into his nightclothes by the time Felix knocks, nursing a cup of tea while he goes over classwork that he missed. He seems rather shy as he opens the door, offering up that same tiny smile.]
Come in. I was just trying to catch up on some class work.
no subject
I'll get my night clothes. I won't be long.
[And Felix isn't, grabbing them in record time before he locks the door to his own room and ducking into Dimitri's for good.]
Do you need help with it? [Felix asks as he begins to unfurl his bedroll, spreading it flat across the floor by Dimitri's bed.]
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)