[Felix folds his arms, eyeing Sylvain balefully from the side of the table he's lightly leaning against. With his stomach filled, it shouldn't be too troublesome for him to fall asleep and treat this day like it never happened. But Sylvain is looking at him... strangely. Does he suspect something? He likely does, Sylvain's always been the perceptive one, the guy who knows when one of them was about to crack, among others.
...Not that it's ever helped the aforementioned with his own problems.]
[What else can he even do, here? If Felix is determined to shut him out, then it's not like he can force him to open up. The best he can do is to have come in here so that Dimitri will hopefully be able to put the incident behind him somewhat. He's not counting on it, though. Sylvain rises from the bed, stepping into Felix's space as he leans over to get the plate.]
[Felix was planning to return the plate tomorrow morning when he goes for breakfast, but Sylvain takes the decision out of his hands and Felix lets him, not really in the mood to talk more.
With any luck, Sylvain would just... forget about this. Instead of fixate upon it as Dimitri might.]
[With one last lingering look, Sylvain turns away, wishing Felix a good night. He gets the feeling it won't be a good one for any of them, though.
And he's right. It's a restless night for Sylvain, but for Dimitri, it's far worse. He does manage to fall asleep since he saw Felix let Sylvain in, but he would have been better off staying awake. The nightmares are always worse when he's had a rough day, and the one that comes for him tonight is particularly vicious. He screams himself awake, lying there in a cold sweat as he stares up at the ceiling, trying to calm his breathing.
Then he gets out of bed and hurriedly pulls his clothes on, rushing out of his room so quickly that he accidentally slams the door. It doesn't matter — Felix and Sylvain are surely both awake anyway, but Sylvain is too kind to mention night terrors that Dimitri clearly doesn't want to acknowledge, and Felix... well, he doesn't know what Felix thinks of it. He's not sure he wants to know.]
Sure, it goes well for about an hour or two. But sometime past midnight, screams from next door pierce through his haze of rest, familiar and haunting. It has Felix on his knees, pressing his forehead to the wall separating his room from Dimitri's, all the while wishing he could reach out to embrace things better as tears spring to his own eyes at the sounds coming from the other room.
But Felix does not act on that urge. Instead, his nails dig into the cold stone, hard enough to draw blood from both that and the way Felix bites hard on his lip when Dimitri wails particularly badly after Glenn's long gone specter.
It only stops when he hears Dimitri shuffle inside his room, followed by a door slam. Instead of feeling relieved, Felix simply feels empty as he continues to hang his head, guilty about not going after Dimitri.
The phenomenon goes on for a few more days, or so Felix suspects. While he's been able to sleep just fine, Dimitri has been going in and out of his room at erratic hours, the entrance and exit of which causes Felix to stir briefly before he falls back into slumber.
Felix's suspicions are reinforced when he hears of Dimitri falling in battle, slashed from behind by some bandits that the Blue Lion class was in charge of subjugating.
A myriad of emotions come flooding at the announcement, a bizarre combination, all things considered. Disbelief, at how Dimitri had let his guard down enough to actually be struck down in such a manner. Chilling regret at what could have happened if Dedue had not been quick enough to dispatch Dimitri's attackers. Mystified fascination at the fact that this never had happened in the past.
It's that mystification, coupled with worry, that has Felix's legs leading him to the infirmary, watching hesitantly from the entrance as he debates on whether he should enter or not. Hadn't he made Dimitri suffer enough...?]
[He doesn't sleep again after that. He's too restless, too haunted. Dedue notices on the second day without sleep and plies him with chamomile tea, but it doesn't help. The days pass, and before his body grows tired enough for him to simply pass out, his class is assigned a mission to subdue some bandits. Of course, Dimitri doesn't refuse or even warn anyone about the state he's in, he just marches on dutifully.
It's a wonder he didn't get hurt more than he did, really.
He's still woozy from bloodloss when Felix shows up, and he can't see him from where he is on the bed. Manuela sees him, though, and she approaches, stepping off to the side.
"I think he'd be glad to see you," is all she says.]
[Felix chews on his lower lip, considering of Manuela's words. For someone whose class he essentially forsaken for another, she certainly harbors no judgment for the way he lacks the backbone to properly follow through with his cursed decisions.
Taking a deep breath, Felix steps forward, trying to ignore the way Manuela smiles at him--a mixture of pity and encouragement--as Felix slides into Dimitri's view. Grabbing a nearby chair, Felix takes a seat, hanging his head as he thinks on what he wants to say.]
[Someone moves to sit by the bed, and Dimitri turns his head to look at them. For a few horrible seconds he thinks it's Glenn, but blessedly, he doesn't say as much out loud. He's beyond thankful for that fact when his eyes properly focus on his visitor.
Felix. But why?
Dimitri starts struggling to sit up, not thinking clearly enough to realize he shouldn't, or he risks tearing those freshly healed wounds open all over again.]
[Manuela opens her mouth in protest, but before she could get out the words, Felix beats her to the punch, practically shouting:]
Are you trying to get yourself killed, you damn boar?!
[Does he sound a little hysterical? He probably does, but embarrassment over the fact is the last thing on his mind as his heart continues to pound against his chest, frightened at the fresh blood soaking through Dimitri's bandages.]
[The shouting has him wincing away, the pain of the slightly opened wounds a secondary concern. Manuela hurries over to check on him, letting out a sigh upon realizing it's a very minor tear. Not worth opening up those bandages and healing him again.
"Don't you move again! It's not good to have too much healing magic used on the body all at once."]
Yes, of course, [he answers, sounding just a little faint. Satisfied for the moment, she gives Felix and Dimitri both a long look, one after the other.
"I'll be right over there."
A threat or a promise? Both. Manuela moves to her desk, back turned to the pair. She's definitely listening, though.
Dimitri settles for just turning his head toward Felix this time, that overly concerned look of his rippling his forehead.]
[So caught up is Felix in the imagery of the Dimitri of his time, bleeding out from various wounds that it takes him a while to shift his attention back to the present. To Dimitri's overly concerned gaze, a look that would have once repulsed him.
Now it just makes him feel guilty.]
Hmph.
[Felix folds his arms, crossing his legs and turning his head to the side, chin tilted up.]
[Though he's not even entirely sure what he's apologizing for, he's clearly upset Felix again. That's why he's here, isn't it? Dimitri attempts to stretch a hand out toward him, but it doesn't quite reach, and he's forced to give up or reopen his wounds again.]
Is something amiss? I would not have expected to see you here.
[A fact that has him feeling hollow, but he's resigned to it. Felix is right to put some distance between them.]
[A sigh later has Felix regaining some semblance of calm, though eye contact is still a difficult prospect, one that has him training his eyes on Manuela's back.]
No, you're...
[...the one who is amiss, Felix is about to say, but for some reason, the words would not form on his lips. Literally so.
Felix blinks, a little confused over this phenomenon. It feels like they're lodged in his throat, a sentiment that he physically could not speak out. He's not a stranger to being unable to spit out certain words, but overall, this circumstance feel a little different from the usual thing he feels hesitant about...
Shaking his head, he swallows and decides to change tacks.]
...an idiot, [he says, not at all thinking on it when he goes back to fixing a glare on Dimitri.] What the hell were you thinking?!
[A sigh is Dimitri's initial answer. He closes his eyes, carefully reaching up to rub his temples.]
I have not been sleeping properly. I will manage.
[Except he won't. It was one of the first signs of him losing himself — he stopped sleeping, and Dedue begged the professor to try and talk to him even though they were in another house. His concern ran so deep that he'd even asked Felix to do something, not that it did much.
Dimitri opens his eyes again, studying Felix. It almost seems like he was worried about him... not on a personal level, surely, but worried all the same. It almost makes him smile.]
[Realizing he just fixed his gaze back on Dimitri, Felix jolts slightly in his seat, going back to casting his eyes to the side. That piercing blue still likes to catch him off-guard, has his heart skipping an odd beat or two... A phenomenon that makes Felix uncomfortable, all things considered.]
That's obvious.
[Heck, just like the last time, Dedue came to him and asked him to look after Dimitri. This time though, Felix simply hung his head and closed the door on Dedue, not wanting him to see how the suggestion prickles at his eyes.
...But there's the rub. Things are different, and while Dimitri's nightmares the last time around were bad, they did not result into him injuring himself unnecessarily...]
How exactly are you going to manage? [Felix asks with a frown.]
[Dimitri inhales audibly, but the truth is, he doesn't have an answer. Sleeping properly has been an issue for him for years, and worrying about Felix on top of it made things that much worse. He looks away as well, lowering his hand in favor of tugging the covers up to his chin.]
I will watch my back more carefully, [he finally says. That much, at least, he can do.]
[Felix only recognizes a split second later that he spoke the sentiment out loud, and coupled with the way he reflexively glances at the source of his surprise, it makes for an awkward scene as he hurries to tear his gaze away from Dimitri once more.]
I...
[Felix's nails dig into his own shoulders, unsure of what to say next. It's true though, isn't it? That's the main difference here, with Felix, of all things, crying in front of Dimitri instead of scoffing at him for not knowing why he changed houses...
Is this why he was sent all the way back in time? To see if he could change things...?
Well, whoever it was that did it has a sick sense of humor. If it were a few days sooner, then they could have avoided this whole mess that Felix is trapped in.]
...there's nothing to be worried about, [Felix mutters.] Quit overthinking things.
[Of course, Felix held no illusions that Dimitri would take his word for it. He hasn't cried in front of Dimitri in like... more than five years now, perhaps. When Glenn passed away...]
...Just take my word for it.
[Felix exhales, continuing in a softer tone, almost pleading:]
Please.
[How is he supposed to explain the circumstances anyway? That he's somehow gone back in time for purposes unknown, floundering around this reality in confusion before realizing all his actions have very much real and different consequences?]
[The shift in tone gets his attention, though truthfully, it makes him worry all the more. Dimitri clutches his blanket, biting back his response. When he finally speaks, he sounds weary, defeated.]
All right, Felix. I know why you want nothing to do with me anymore, but please — please do not push Ingrid and Sylvain away as well. If I know you all have each other, this will not be so difficult.
Felix's eyes widen, shaking his head. Nothing could be further from the truth, the reality that Felix only came to terms with when it was all too late.]
I... won't.
[Not that Sylvain or Ingrid can do anything about this anyway. But for the sake of Dimitri's peace of mind, he'll make some minor concessions. It's not like Sylvain and Ingrid are about to stop fussing anyway, with the latter due to check up on him soon if things are slated to go down the way they did the last time.]
But only... if you stop shutting people out.
[If they took care of Dimitri earlier... would they have been able to prevent the worst of what's to come? Only half-realizing he whispered those thoughts out loud, Felix loses himself in his thoughts, wondering if he should actually voice them out...]
[At first he puts on that smile of his at Felix's concession, that false smile hiding a pressurized chamber of rage. But then Felix adds on a condition, and it feels like his heart leaps into his throat with terror. It's not like he wants to shut people out, but he doesn't have the right to mingle too much with the living. That's the reason he usually falls back on at least, though it's not the only one. Knowing Felix, he won't find that answer acceptable.]
I can't, [he says, voice scarcely above a whisper.]
...I'm sorry. I cannot lose them too. I just can't.
[If Felix turned away after truly seeing him, then anyone would.]
[Lose them? It takes a bit for Felix to process that, then to realize that he just said his thoughts out loud, then to remember how viciously he had shut out Dimitri after quelling that western rebellion.
He knows better now, but Dimitri's refusal still has Felix sucking in a breath, horrified at the prospect of Dimitri losing himself to his ghosts like he did before.]
They're...
[...better than I'll ever be.
After all, they were the ones that stuck with Dimitri until the bitter end. Or Sylvain would have, if he had not decided to join the Black Eagles as well, no doubt now, at Dimitri's behest.
But again, the words are stuck in his throat, despite Felix's willingness to voice out that guilt-ridden sentiment. Why...?
Fingers curling, Felix swallows, yet the heaviness in his throat does not ease one bit, the words still not forming themselves as Felix tries to force them out. Even as his heart aches, burning with the urge to apologize for how wrong he's been, how he should have stayed by Dimitri's side this whole while.
Frustration builds within him, clawing at his chest as heat spreads to his nose, tears starting to prickle at his eyes in lieu of those words he could not say.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
cynicfelixity) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
amewsbox2020-01-09 12:53 pm
no subject
[Felix folds his arms, eyeing Sylvain balefully from the side of the table he's lightly leaning against. With his stomach filled, it shouldn't be too troublesome for him to fall asleep and treat this day like it never happened. But Sylvain is looking at him... strangely. Does he suspect something? He likely does, Sylvain's always been the perceptive one, the guy who knows when one of them was about to crack, among others.
...Not that it's ever helped the aforementioned with his own problems.]
no subject
[What else can he even do, here? If Felix is determined to shut him out, then it's not like he can force him to open up. The best he can do is to have come in here so that Dimitri will hopefully be able to put the incident behind him somewhat. He's not counting on it, though. Sylvain rises from the bed, stepping into Felix's space as he leans over to get the plate.]
I'm right down the hall if you change your mind.
no subject
[Felix was planning to return the plate tomorrow morning when he goes for breakfast, but Sylvain takes the decision out of his hands and Felix lets him, not really in the mood to talk more.
With any luck, Sylvain would just... forget about this. Instead of fixate upon it as Dimitri might.]
no subject
And he's right. It's a restless night for Sylvain, but for Dimitri, it's far worse. He does manage to fall asleep since he saw Felix let Sylvain in, but he would have been better off staying awake. The nightmares are always worse when he's had a rough day, and the one that comes for him tonight is particularly vicious. He screams himself awake, lying there in a cold sweat as he stares up at the ceiling, trying to calm his breathing.
Then he gets out of bed and hurriedly pulls his clothes on, rushing out of his room so quickly that he accidentally slams the door. It doesn't matter — Felix and Sylvain are surely both awake anyway, but Sylvain is too kind to mention night terrors that Dimitri clearly doesn't want to acknowledge, and Felix... well, he doesn't know what Felix thinks of it. He's not sure he wants to know.]
no subject
Sure, it goes well for about an hour or two. But sometime past midnight, screams from next door pierce through his haze of rest, familiar and haunting. It has Felix on his knees, pressing his forehead to the wall separating his room from Dimitri's, all the while wishing he could reach out to embrace things better as tears spring to his own eyes at the sounds coming from the other room.
But Felix does not act on that urge. Instead, his nails dig into the cold stone, hard enough to draw blood from both that and the way Felix bites hard on his lip when Dimitri wails particularly badly after Glenn's long gone specter.
It only stops when he hears Dimitri shuffle inside his room, followed by a door slam. Instead of feeling relieved, Felix simply feels empty as he continues to hang his head, guilty about not going after Dimitri.
The phenomenon goes on for a few more days, or so Felix suspects. While he's been able to sleep just fine, Dimitri has been going in and out of his room at erratic hours, the entrance and exit of which causes Felix to stir briefly before he falls back into slumber.
Felix's suspicions are reinforced when he hears of Dimitri falling in battle, slashed from behind by some bandits that the Blue Lion class was in charge of subjugating.
A myriad of emotions come flooding at the announcement, a bizarre combination, all things considered. Disbelief, at how Dimitri had let his guard down enough to actually be struck down in such a manner. Chilling regret at what could have happened if Dedue had not been quick enough to dispatch Dimitri's attackers. Mystified fascination at the fact that this never had happened in the past.
It's that mystification, coupled with worry, that has Felix's legs leading him to the infirmary, watching hesitantly from the entrance as he debates on whether he should enter or not. Hadn't he made Dimitri suffer enough...?]
no subject
It's a wonder he didn't get hurt more than he did, really.
He's still woozy from bloodloss when Felix shows up, and he can't see him from where he is on the bed. Manuela sees him, though, and she approaches, stepping off to the side.
"I think he'd be glad to see you," is all she says.]
no subject
Taking a deep breath, Felix steps forward, trying to ignore the way Manuela smiles at him--a mixture of pity and encouragement--as Felix slides into Dimitri's view. Grabbing a nearby chair, Felix takes a seat, hanging his head as he thinks on what he wants to say.]
no subject
Felix. But why?
Dimitri starts struggling to sit up, not thinking clearly enough to realize he shouldn't, or he risks tearing those freshly healed wounds open all over again.]
no subject
Are you trying to get yourself killed, you damn boar?!
[Does he sound a little hysterical? He probably does, but embarrassment over the fact is the last thing on his mind as his heart continues to pound against his chest, frightened at the fresh blood soaking through Dimitri's bandages.]
no subject
"Don't you move again! It's not good to have too much healing magic used on the body all at once."]
Yes, of course, [he answers, sounding just a little faint. Satisfied for the moment, she gives Felix and Dimitri both a long look, one after the other.
"I'll be right over there."
A threat or a promise? Both. Manuela moves to her desk, back turned to the pair. She's definitely listening, though.
Dimitri settles for just turning his head toward Felix this time, that overly concerned look of his rippling his forehead.]
Sorry. I... just did not think, I suppose.
no subject
Now it just makes him feel guilty.]
Hmph.
[Felix folds his arms, crossing his legs and turning his head to the side, chin tilted up.]
Then start using your brain more.
no subject
[Though he's not even entirely sure what he's apologizing for, he's clearly upset Felix again. That's why he's here, isn't it? Dimitri attempts to stretch a hand out toward him, but it doesn't quite reach, and he's forced to give up or reopen his wounds again.]
Is something amiss? I would not have expected to see you here.
[A fact that has him feeling hollow, but he's resigned to it. Felix is right to put some distance between them.]
no subject
No, you're...
[...the one who is amiss, Felix is about to say, but for some reason, the words would not form on his lips. Literally so.
Felix blinks, a little confused over this phenomenon. It feels like they're lodged in his throat, a sentiment that he physically could not speak out. He's not a stranger to being unable to spit out certain words, but overall, this circumstance feel a little different from the usual thing he feels hesitant about...
Shaking his head, he swallows and decides to change tacks.]
...an idiot, [he says, not at all thinking on it when he goes back to fixing a glare on Dimitri.] What the hell were you thinking?!
no subject
I have not been sleeping properly. I will manage.
[Except he won't. It was one of the first signs of him losing himself — he stopped sleeping, and Dedue begged the professor to try and talk to him even though they were in another house. His concern ran so deep that he'd even asked Felix to do something, not that it did much.
Dimitri opens his eyes again, studying Felix. It almost seems like he was worried about him... not on a personal level, surely, but worried all the same. It almost makes him smile.]
no subject
That's obvious.
[Heck, just like the last time, Dedue came to him and asked him to look after Dimitri. This time though, Felix simply hung his head and closed the door on Dedue, not wanting him to see how the suggestion prickles at his eyes.
...But there's the rub. Things are different, and while Dimitri's nightmares the last time around were bad, they did not result into him injuring himself unnecessarily...]
How exactly are you going to manage? [Felix asks with a frown.]
no subject
I will watch my back more carefully, [he finally says. That much, at least, he can do.]
no subject
Your track record sucks, in case you haven't noticed.
no subject
I was worried about you, [he says flatly.]
no subject
[Felix only recognizes a split second later that he spoke the sentiment out loud, and coupled with the way he reflexively glances at the source of his surprise, it makes for an awkward scene as he hurries to tear his gaze away from Dimitri once more.]
I...
[Felix's nails dig into his own shoulders, unsure of what to say next. It's true though, isn't it? That's the main difference here, with Felix, of all things, crying in front of Dimitri instead of scoffing at him for not knowing why he changed houses...
Is this why he was sent all the way back in time? To see if he could change things...?
Well, whoever it was that did it has a sick sense of humor. If it were a few days sooner, then they could have avoided this whole mess that Felix is trapped in.]
...there's nothing to be worried about, [Felix mutters.] Quit overthinking things.
no subject
[Is he that dense? Dimitri's hand rises to pinch the bridge of his nose, that headache quickly getting worse.]
Surely even you can see why I would be concerned. You switched houses, you will not make eye contact with any of us, and you were —
[Manuela's listening, isn't she? He swallows the rest of the statement down.]
...you know. How could I possibly not be worried about you?
no subject
...Just take my word for it.
[Felix exhales, continuing in a softer tone, almost pleading:]
Please.
[How is he supposed to explain the circumstances anyway? That he's somehow gone back in time for purposes unknown, floundering around this reality in confusion before realizing all his actions have very much real and different consequences?]
no subject
All right, Felix. I know why you want nothing to do with me anymore, but please — please do not push Ingrid and Sylvain away as well. If I know you all have each other, this will not be so difficult.
no subject
Felix's eyes widen, shaking his head. Nothing could be further from the truth, the reality that Felix only came to terms with when it was all too late.]
I... won't.
[Not that Sylvain or Ingrid can do anything about this anyway. But for the sake of Dimitri's peace of mind, he'll make some minor concessions. It's not like Sylvain and Ingrid are about to stop fussing anyway, with the latter due to check up on him soon if things are slated to go down the way they did the last time.]
But only... if you stop shutting people out.
[If they took care of Dimitri earlier... would they have been able to prevent the worst of what's to come? Only half-realizing he whispered those thoughts out loud, Felix loses himself in his thoughts, wondering if he should actually voice them out...]
no subject
I can't, [he says, voice scarcely above a whisper.]
...I'm sorry. I cannot lose them too. I just can't.
[If Felix turned away after truly seeing him, then anyone would.]
no subject
He knows better now, but Dimitri's refusal still has Felix sucking in a breath, horrified at the prospect of Dimitri losing himself to his ghosts like he did before.]
They're...
[...better than I'll ever be.
After all, they were the ones that stuck with Dimitri until the bitter end. Or Sylvain would have, if he had not decided to join the Black Eagles as well, no doubt now, at Dimitri's behest.
But again, the words are stuck in his throat, despite Felix's willingness to voice out that guilt-ridden sentiment. Why...?
Fingers curling, Felix swallows, yet the heaviness in his throat does not ease one bit, the words still not forming themselves as Felix tries to force them out. Even as his heart aches, burning with the urge to apologize for how wrong he's been, how he should have stayed by Dimitri's side this whole while.
Frustration builds within him, clawing at his chest as heat spreads to his nose, tears starting to prickle at his eyes in lieu of those words he could not say.]
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)