[Felix flinches at the hand over his shoulder, further driving home how grounded he is... in whatever this is. Dimitri's covered hand is cool against his uniform, but the gaze trained on him is nothing but, and Felix could feel the worry emanating from this Dimitri untainted by the reality of war and political machinations. Does he know? That the Felix before him is no longer the one he's come to know, and had died along with him at Gronder.
...A different Gronder, but is dead all the same.]
...What do you want? [Felix whispers through clenched teeth, tightening his grip on his sword as an odd ache twists in his chest. Did he steal the life of this Dimitri's Felix too, just as he robbed his own Dimitri of his shield?]
[Dimitri draws his hand away, taking a step back.]
...I am concerned about you. I know you were shaken when the professor beat you, but surely not this much...?
[Something else happened. Wanting to respect his personal space but also wanting Felix to actually look at him, Dimitri steps in front of him, just short of an arm's length away.]
We do not have to talk about it if you would rather not. We can just spar, perhaps?
[A glimpse of Dimitri from the corner of his eye is more than enough to pop that swell of emotion, letting it overflow into his chest and prickle at the corner of his eyes. Along with that characteristic concern comes a yearning that Felix can't quite describe, and it's the same urge that has him turning away from Dimitri, beginning to walk out of the training grounds as fast as his legs would carry him.
He can't give in to that desire to reach out and hug the person that's always been the most important to him. Especially when Felix had forsaken that right when he had decided to abandon Dimitri.]
[Is he crying? The realization has his feet frozen for a moment. But when Felix starts power walking away from him he snaps out of it, jogging after him and catching up to him just when he reaches the shaded edge of the training grounds. This time he takes hold of both shoulders, stepping around in front of Felix with a surprised but horribly worried expression.]
Felix...
[It really takes all his willpower to not pull Felix in toward his chest, but Dimitri's already wary of pushing him too far. He just can't leave him in tears like this, though, he can't.]
[Felix carelessly drops off the training sword on the rack, marching away as he resists the urge to wipe away the tears that have started to trickle down his cheeks, knowing the act would make them all the more obvious, especially when he could hear Dimitri chasing after him.
But despite his small headstart, Dimitri catches up anyway, forcing Felix to come face-to-face with a reality he's been refusing to look at, wide-eyed as he beholds it.
Dimitri is alive. Both the man and the beast, hale and as whole as can be.
And with a mind far apart from Felix, unknowing of Felix's past or his own future.
Felix tries to wriggle out of Dimitri's grasp, but as usual, he proves to be no match for Dimitri's beastly strength as he holds on tighter. Resigning himself to this reality for now, he opts to hang his head to hide the worst of his tears, shaking his head as he silently begs for Dimitri to leave him alone.]
[Felix wants him to leave, but he can't. Dimitri steps in close, close enough for Felix's lowered head to bump against his chest as he reaches around to lightly stroke his back. But Felix stiffens up instead of relaxes, and Dimitri's heart feels like it might just stop.
Of course. What was he thinking? Felix can see him for what he is, he must be disgusted. With a shuddering breath he steps back again, handing Felix a handkerchief.]
I'll get Sylvain, [he says softly, voice nearly a whisper in a failed attempt to hide the way his throat is constricted. It's the only way he can bring himself to leave, knowing that someone will figure out what's wrong and take care of Felix.]
Again, Felix shakes his head, refusing both the handkerchief and the proposal, never mind the sting that comes with the hurt he's caused Dimitri. He tries to squirm away from Dimitri's grasp, and somewhat surprised he could do it now, he tears himself away from Dimitri, wasting no time in flying out of the hall.
What is he supposed to say anyway? "Sorry" hardly cuts it, for all the suffering that Dimitri had to go through. Does Felix even have the right to that word, when he's made certain choices of his own volition?]
[It's been a tense couple of days. As usual, Sylvain knows more about what's happening than he admits to — he's aware that Felix has changed houses to be under Byleth, and after seeing how Byleth fights, he can't really blame him. Manuela is a nice enough woman, but she can't teach them even a fraction of what an actual mercenary could. Not that Sylvain really cares. He doesn't need much teaching, when he wants to actually learn something he just cracks open a book and learns it. Felix (like Dimitri, really) is a kinesthetic learner, though, and it makes sense he'd want to be taught by someone that can teach him in direct combat.
He's tried gently broaching the topic with Dimitri, but it seems like it goes in one ear and out the other. Dimitri doesn't want to hear that Felix is taking yet another step away, and so he doesn't. He can tell Dimitri's about ready to confront Felix, so he's been bracing himself for it. Even so, tears aren't what he was expecting. He hasn't seen Dimitri cry since he was tiny, and seeing those overbright red-rimmed eyes now is heartbreaking. Unsurprisingly, Dimitri isn't concerned about his own feelings. When he finds Sylvain, he just pulls him aside and says that Felix was crying and begs him to go make sure he's all right. How can he say no to that?
So he does a quick lap between the training grounds and the dormitories, determining that Felix must be shut in his room. Tricky, since trying to barge his way in will just make him retreat further. It's close to dinnertime, though, so he decides to try and lure him out by sneaking food out of the dining hall. Sylvain knocks on his door, plate in hand.]
[Felix goes by instinct and holes himself up in his room, feeling every bit that lost child he was when no one he trusts is nearby for comfort. Not at all prepared to face anyone, he had already taken his hair out of its usual bun and donned his nightclothes as he prepares to sleep his sorrow off, early as the hour is. But one thing he has not sufficiently accounted for is his own hunger, a brutal pang that keeps him awake as he debates on whether or not it's worth it to come out of his room with an obviously tear-streaked face.
Still, the inevitable comes, and Sylvain is looking after him, no doubt at Dimitri's behest. Tempting as it is to take Sylvain up on that offer, Felix remains still in his bed, not bothering to answer the door as he prays for Sylvain to go away.]
Come on, Felix, I already know you switched classes. I'm not gonna make you talk about it okay? Do you really want to make me try to climb in your window?
[Because he'll try it, though he's pretty sure he won't fit.]
[Ugh, why does he need to have such nosy friends?! Not at all putting it past Sylvain to actually do that, Felix throws his hands up in the air and sighs, pulling himself off the bed as he walks towards the door, barefoot when he throws the door open, glaring at Sylvain through red-rimmed eyes.]
Thank you, your concern is appreciated.
[He'll attempt to take the plate from Sylvain then, and close the door on him.]
[Nice try, his foot is in the door now. He does allow Felix to take the plate, at least. Sylvain glances down the hall, seeing the way Dimitri's door is still cracked open. Really, he gets it — seeing Felix like this makes him want to scoop him up like he's five and hug him until he falls asleep. But they're all almost adults now, and Felix clearly doesn't want it.
Either that, or he feels like he can't accept it. Sylvain definitely gets that.]
Listen, Felix, [he murmurs, too soft for Dimitri to be able to hear.]
I won't make you talk about anything. I promise.
[He sticks his hand in, one pinky extended.]
Just let me in for a little while, okay? He's going to worry himself to death at this rate.
[Of course, the door won't shut now that he opened it. Felix has expected as much, and even counted on it as a potential risk. But to have it executed so cleanly leaves a sour taste in his mouth still, and for a moment, Felix considers being petty as he sets the plate on his desk...
...But no, Sylvain's likely going to camp outside his door if Felix drives him away now, and Goddess knows, it's gonna be impossible not not to run into him when he goes to class tomorrow...
Sighing, Felix cracks the door open a little more, gaze away from Sylvain and his extended pinky.]
Just for a little while.
[Then he'll toss Sylvain out if he crosses a line.]
[Felix isn't even looking at him, but he offers a smile anyway, not knowing what else to do.]
Thanks, [he says, gently patting one of Felix's shoulders before going to flop on the foot of his bed, lying down flat on his back. It's the best way he can think of to communicate that he just wants to be here, nothing else required.
Even if it is totally awkward and he's about to die knowing something's upset him this much.]
[Closing and locking the door behind him, Felix takes a seat on his desk and turns to the plate of curry that Sylvain has brought with him, trying not to wolf it down too fast.
He is only mildly successful in that regard, quite hungry after training.
That said, Felix will be determined to ignore Sylvain's presence throughout the process, not at all ready to bare anything to this... person who isn't quite the Sylvain he's come to know, either.]
[Something is just weird. He doesn't know what, but he can't quite relax. Usually, Felix would have cracked by now, whether by grumbling at him for being annoying or by actually saying what's on his mind. This wall of complete silence is eerie, and he doesn't know what to make of it. By the time Felix has finished eating, Sylvain will be sitting up again, watching him with mixed curiosity and apprehension.]
[Felix folds his arms, eyeing Sylvain balefully from the side of the table he's lightly leaning against. With his stomach filled, it shouldn't be too troublesome for him to fall asleep and treat this day like it never happened. But Sylvain is looking at him... strangely. Does he suspect something? He likely does, Sylvain's always been the perceptive one, the guy who knows when one of them was about to crack, among others.
...Not that it's ever helped the aforementioned with his own problems.]
[What else can he even do, here? If Felix is determined to shut him out, then it's not like he can force him to open up. The best he can do is to have come in here so that Dimitri will hopefully be able to put the incident behind him somewhat. He's not counting on it, though. Sylvain rises from the bed, stepping into Felix's space as he leans over to get the plate.]
[Felix was planning to return the plate tomorrow morning when he goes for breakfast, but Sylvain takes the decision out of his hands and Felix lets him, not really in the mood to talk more.
With any luck, Sylvain would just... forget about this. Instead of fixate upon it as Dimitri might.]
[With one last lingering look, Sylvain turns away, wishing Felix a good night. He gets the feeling it won't be a good one for any of them, though.
And he's right. It's a restless night for Sylvain, but for Dimitri, it's far worse. He does manage to fall asleep since he saw Felix let Sylvain in, but he would have been better off staying awake. The nightmares are always worse when he's had a rough day, and the one that comes for him tonight is particularly vicious. He screams himself awake, lying there in a cold sweat as he stares up at the ceiling, trying to calm his breathing.
Then he gets out of bed and hurriedly pulls his clothes on, rushing out of his room so quickly that he accidentally slams the door. It doesn't matter — Felix and Sylvain are surely both awake anyway, but Sylvain is too kind to mention night terrors that Dimitri clearly doesn't want to acknowledge, and Felix... well, he doesn't know what Felix thinks of it. He's not sure he wants to know.]
Sure, it goes well for about an hour or two. But sometime past midnight, screams from next door pierce through his haze of rest, familiar and haunting. It has Felix on his knees, pressing his forehead to the wall separating his room from Dimitri's, all the while wishing he could reach out to embrace things better as tears spring to his own eyes at the sounds coming from the other room.
But Felix does not act on that urge. Instead, his nails dig into the cold stone, hard enough to draw blood from both that and the way Felix bites hard on his lip when Dimitri wails particularly badly after Glenn's long gone specter.
It only stops when he hears Dimitri shuffle inside his room, followed by a door slam. Instead of feeling relieved, Felix simply feels empty as he continues to hang his head, guilty about not going after Dimitri.
The phenomenon goes on for a few more days, or so Felix suspects. While he's been able to sleep just fine, Dimitri has been going in and out of his room at erratic hours, the entrance and exit of which causes Felix to stir briefly before he falls back into slumber.
Felix's suspicions are reinforced when he hears of Dimitri falling in battle, slashed from behind by some bandits that the Blue Lion class was in charge of subjugating.
A myriad of emotions come flooding at the announcement, a bizarre combination, all things considered. Disbelief, at how Dimitri had let his guard down enough to actually be struck down in such a manner. Chilling regret at what could have happened if Dedue had not been quick enough to dispatch Dimitri's attackers. Mystified fascination at the fact that this never had happened in the past.
It's that mystification, coupled with worry, that has Felix's legs leading him to the infirmary, watching hesitantly from the entrance as he debates on whether he should enter or not. Hadn't he made Dimitri suffer enough...?]
[He doesn't sleep again after that. He's too restless, too haunted. Dedue notices on the second day without sleep and plies him with chamomile tea, but it doesn't help. The days pass, and before his body grows tired enough for him to simply pass out, his class is assigned a mission to subdue some bandits. Of course, Dimitri doesn't refuse or even warn anyone about the state he's in, he just marches on dutifully.
It's a wonder he didn't get hurt more than he did, really.
He's still woozy from bloodloss when Felix shows up, and he can't see him from where he is on the bed. Manuela sees him, though, and she approaches, stepping off to the side.
"I think he'd be glad to see you," is all she says.]
[Felix chews on his lower lip, considering of Manuela's words. For someone whose class he essentially forsaken for another, she certainly harbors no judgment for the way he lacks the backbone to properly follow through with his cursed decisions.
Taking a deep breath, Felix steps forward, trying to ignore the way Manuela smiles at him--a mixture of pity and encouragement--as Felix slides into Dimitri's view. Grabbing a nearby chair, Felix takes a seat, hanging his head as he thinks on what he wants to say.]
[Someone moves to sit by the bed, and Dimitri turns his head to look at them. For a few horrible seconds he thinks it's Glenn, but blessedly, he doesn't say as much out loud. He's beyond thankful for that fact when his eyes properly focus on his visitor.
Felix. But why?
Dimitri starts struggling to sit up, not thinking clearly enough to realize he shouldn't, or he risks tearing those freshly healed wounds open all over again.]
[Manuela opens her mouth in protest, but before she could get out the words, Felix beats her to the punch, practically shouting:]
Are you trying to get yourself killed, you damn boar?!
[Does he sound a little hysterical? He probably does, but embarrassment over the fact is the last thing on his mind as his heart continues to pound against his chest, frightened at the fresh blood soaking through Dimitri's bandages.]
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cynicfelixity) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
amewsbox2020-01-09 12:53 pm
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...A different Gronder, but is dead all the same.]
...What do you want? [Felix whispers through clenched teeth, tightening his grip on his sword as an odd ache twists in his chest. Did he steal the life of this Dimitri's Felix too, just as he robbed his own Dimitri of his shield?]
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[Dimitri draws his hand away, taking a step back.]
...I am concerned about you. I know you were shaken when the professor beat you, but surely not this much...?
[Something else happened. Wanting to respect his personal space but also wanting Felix to actually look at him, Dimitri steps in front of him, just short of an arm's length away.]
We do not have to talk about it if you would rather not. We can just spar, perhaps?
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He can't give in to that desire to reach out and hug the person that's always been the most important to him. Especially when Felix had forsaken that right when he had decided to abandon Dimitri.]
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Felix...
[It really takes all his willpower to not pull Felix in toward his chest, but Dimitri's already wary of pushing him too far. He just can't leave him in tears like this, though, he can't.]
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But despite his small headstart, Dimitri catches up anyway, forcing Felix to come face-to-face with a reality he's been refusing to look at, wide-eyed as he beholds it.
Dimitri is alive. Both the man and the beast, hale and as whole as can be.
And with a mind far apart from Felix, unknowing of Felix's past or his own future.
Felix tries to wriggle out of Dimitri's grasp, but as usual, he proves to be no match for Dimitri's beastly strength as he holds on tighter. Resigning himself to this reality for now, he opts to hang his head to hide the worst of his tears, shaking his head as he silently begs for Dimitri to leave him alone.]
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Of course. What was he thinking? Felix can see him for what he is, he must be disgusted. With a shuddering breath he steps back again, handing Felix a handkerchief.]
I'll get Sylvain, [he says softly, voice nearly a whisper in a failed attempt to hide the way his throat is constricted. It's the only way he can bring himself to leave, knowing that someone will figure out what's wrong and take care of Felix.]
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Again, Felix shakes his head, refusing both the handkerchief and the proposal, never mind the sting that comes with the hurt he's caused Dimitri. He tries to squirm away from Dimitri's grasp, and somewhat surprised he could do it now, he tears himself away from Dimitri, wasting no time in flying out of the hall.
What is he supposed to say anyway? "Sorry" hardly cuts it, for all the suffering that Dimitri had to go through. Does Felix even have the right to that word, when he's made certain choices of his own volition?]
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He's tried gently broaching the topic with Dimitri, but it seems like it goes in one ear and out the other. Dimitri doesn't want to hear that Felix is taking yet another step away, and so he doesn't. He can tell Dimitri's about ready to confront Felix, so he's been bracing himself for it. Even so, tears aren't what he was expecting. He hasn't seen Dimitri cry since he was tiny, and seeing those overbright red-rimmed eyes now is heartbreaking. Unsurprisingly, Dimitri isn't concerned about his own feelings. When he finds Sylvain, he just pulls him aside and says that Felix was crying and begs him to go make sure he's all right. How can he say no to that?
So he does a quick lap between the training grounds and the dormitories, determining that Felix must be shut in his room. Tricky, since trying to barge his way in will just make him retreat further. It's close to dinnertime, though, so he decides to try and lure him out by sneaking food out of the dining hall. Sylvain knocks on his door, plate in hand.]
Felix? It's just me. I brought dinner.
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Still, the inevitable comes, and Sylvain is looking after him, no doubt at Dimitri's behest. Tempting as it is to take Sylvain up on that offer, Felix remains still in his bed, not bothering to answer the door as he prays for Sylvain to go away.]
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[Because he'll try it, though he's pretty sure he won't fit.]
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Thank you, your concern is appreciated.
[He'll attempt to take the plate from Sylvain then, and close the door on him.]
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Either that, or he feels like he can't accept it. Sylvain definitely gets that.]
Listen, Felix, [he murmurs, too soft for Dimitri to be able to hear.]
I won't make you talk about anything. I promise.
[He sticks his hand in, one pinky extended.]
Just let me in for a little while, okay? He's going to worry himself to death at this rate.
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...But no, Sylvain's likely going to camp outside his door if Felix drives him away now, and Goddess knows, it's gonna be impossible not not to run into him when he goes to class tomorrow...
Sighing, Felix cracks the door open a little more, gaze away from Sylvain and his extended pinky.]
Just for a little while.
[Then he'll toss Sylvain out if he crosses a line.]
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Thanks, [he says, gently patting one of Felix's shoulders before going to flop on the foot of his bed, lying down flat on his back. It's the best way he can think of to communicate that he just wants to be here, nothing else required.
Even if it is totally awkward and he's about to die knowing something's upset him this much.]
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He is only mildly successful in that regard, quite hungry after training.
That said, Felix will be determined to ignore Sylvain's presence throughout the process, not at all ready to bare anything to this... person who isn't quite the Sylvain he's come to know, either.]
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[Felix folds his arms, eyeing Sylvain balefully from the side of the table he's lightly leaning against. With his stomach filled, it shouldn't be too troublesome for him to fall asleep and treat this day like it never happened. But Sylvain is looking at him... strangely. Does he suspect something? He likely does, Sylvain's always been the perceptive one, the guy who knows when one of them was about to crack, among others.
...Not that it's ever helped the aforementioned with his own problems.]
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[What else can he even do, here? If Felix is determined to shut him out, then it's not like he can force him to open up. The best he can do is to have come in here so that Dimitri will hopefully be able to put the incident behind him somewhat. He's not counting on it, though. Sylvain rises from the bed, stepping into Felix's space as he leans over to get the plate.]
I'm right down the hall if you change your mind.
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[Felix was planning to return the plate tomorrow morning when he goes for breakfast, but Sylvain takes the decision out of his hands and Felix lets him, not really in the mood to talk more.
With any luck, Sylvain would just... forget about this. Instead of fixate upon it as Dimitri might.]
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And he's right. It's a restless night for Sylvain, but for Dimitri, it's far worse. He does manage to fall asleep since he saw Felix let Sylvain in, but he would have been better off staying awake. The nightmares are always worse when he's had a rough day, and the one that comes for him tonight is particularly vicious. He screams himself awake, lying there in a cold sweat as he stares up at the ceiling, trying to calm his breathing.
Then he gets out of bed and hurriedly pulls his clothes on, rushing out of his room so quickly that he accidentally slams the door. It doesn't matter — Felix and Sylvain are surely both awake anyway, but Sylvain is too kind to mention night terrors that Dimitri clearly doesn't want to acknowledge, and Felix... well, he doesn't know what Felix thinks of it. He's not sure he wants to know.]
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Sure, it goes well for about an hour or two. But sometime past midnight, screams from next door pierce through his haze of rest, familiar and haunting. It has Felix on his knees, pressing his forehead to the wall separating his room from Dimitri's, all the while wishing he could reach out to embrace things better as tears spring to his own eyes at the sounds coming from the other room.
But Felix does not act on that urge. Instead, his nails dig into the cold stone, hard enough to draw blood from both that and the way Felix bites hard on his lip when Dimitri wails particularly badly after Glenn's long gone specter.
It only stops when he hears Dimitri shuffle inside his room, followed by a door slam. Instead of feeling relieved, Felix simply feels empty as he continues to hang his head, guilty about not going after Dimitri.
The phenomenon goes on for a few more days, or so Felix suspects. While he's been able to sleep just fine, Dimitri has been going in and out of his room at erratic hours, the entrance and exit of which causes Felix to stir briefly before he falls back into slumber.
Felix's suspicions are reinforced when he hears of Dimitri falling in battle, slashed from behind by some bandits that the Blue Lion class was in charge of subjugating.
A myriad of emotions come flooding at the announcement, a bizarre combination, all things considered. Disbelief, at how Dimitri had let his guard down enough to actually be struck down in such a manner. Chilling regret at what could have happened if Dedue had not been quick enough to dispatch Dimitri's attackers. Mystified fascination at the fact that this never had happened in the past.
It's that mystification, coupled with worry, that has Felix's legs leading him to the infirmary, watching hesitantly from the entrance as he debates on whether he should enter or not. Hadn't he made Dimitri suffer enough...?]
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It's a wonder he didn't get hurt more than he did, really.
He's still woozy from bloodloss when Felix shows up, and he can't see him from where he is on the bed. Manuela sees him, though, and she approaches, stepping off to the side.
"I think he'd be glad to see you," is all she says.]
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Taking a deep breath, Felix steps forward, trying to ignore the way Manuela smiles at him--a mixture of pity and encouragement--as Felix slides into Dimitri's view. Grabbing a nearby chair, Felix takes a seat, hanging his head as he thinks on what he wants to say.]
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Felix. But why?
Dimitri starts struggling to sit up, not thinking clearly enough to realize he shouldn't, or he risks tearing those freshly healed wounds open all over again.]
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Are you trying to get yourself killed, you damn boar?!
[Does he sound a little hysterical? He probably does, but embarrassment over the fact is the last thing on his mind as his heart continues to pound against his chest, frightened at the fresh blood soaking through Dimitri's bandages.]
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